Tried a new approach to filing taxes this year.
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I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
My husband giving me instructions as he prepares to leave town: “Don’t put the dogs in their crates today. Let them sleep on the couch.”
Me: “Why?”
Him: “That’s how they know it’s the weekend.”
[sees giant spider in house]
[tells girlfriend “I got this”]
[slowly rolls up magazine]
[uses magazine as megaphone & yells out the window “SAVE US!!”]
So when two guys get super friendly it’s bromantic, but what about two girls? Can we make homantic a thing? Or ‘gina buddies or something?
every day around 8:30PM my body says “let’s go to bed” but I fight it and stay up til’ 3am anyway like the idiot adult toddler I am.
I get it roosters, I scream when I wake up in the morning too
Cat owners aren’t lazy. They’re just often paralyzed for hours because the supreme ruler of the house is sleeping on their lap.
My retirement plan is to become a cat.
Whenever I leave a public bathroom I fold the toilet paper into a fancy triangle to class the joint up
Inside you are two wolves. Inside each of them? You guessed it: two more wolves. Are there two wolves inside each of those two wolves? You better believe there are. You are a wolf pyramid scheme, my friend.
Cashier: I love your lip gloss!
Me: Thanks, it’s food court teriyaki chicken glaze.
Landlord: The lease said no murders! This is the biggest murder I’ve ever seen.
Crow tenant: *wasted* tell the world, you little shit.
Me: (after eating 12 fudgesicles)
Ok. Time to get to work.You: You can actually buy popsicle sticks at any craft store.
Me: Don’t question my art.
10 out of 10 babies hate my baby launcher
What idiot called it a witch hunt and not the War on Seance?
But if two men get married, they’ll BOTH be stupid in detergent commercials and then no one will buy the correct detergent.
The earth moves 1.6 million miles per day. So no I didn’t just “lay in bed and watch TV all day” I traveled very far thank u
Why soy sad?
this burrito is terrible how can you call yourself a barista
She like, literally died.
~White girls’ headstones
Million dollar idea: Selling shower heads at the exit of a Ryan Gosling movie
Toddlers & Ghosts
-haunt you at all hours
-lots of moaning/screaming
-unclear motives
-not helpful with housework
-randomly open cupboards
Leaving my son at college
Me, crying: Eat healthy food, dress warm when it’s cold, be careful late at night, wash your sheets once a week, take vitamin c every morning
Husband: Love ya bud
It’s funny how fast small children lose interest in what you have to say when they find out you’re a paleontologist who isn’t an expert in dinosaurs. I’m showing you a mammoth arm bone, I don’t know what more you want from me!
*leans over uncomfortably close to you at a funeral*
“I get so drunk at these things. Who’s in the box?”
BABY COW: [points at human] What’s that?
OLDER COW: That is a milk dracula
Interviewer: If we hire you, where do you hope to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
Worst Betrayals in History:
– Judas turning on Jesus
– Brutus helping to murder Caesar
– Verizon guy going to work for Sprint
Me, scrolling to find my birth year