Brides agonizing over what dress to choose on Say Yes to the Dress should know I just turned to my husband and asked him to describe my wedding dress giving as much detail as he could remember.
His answer was white. With a question mark.
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when my sister was like 5 she wrote a note to the easter bunny that said “happy easter are you a boy or a girl” and my mom left a typed note that said “sorry i can’t read i’m just a bunny”
her: who’s ur favorite vampire
me: that one on Sesame Street
her: he doesn’t count
me: i assure u he does, Jen
terminator: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: I said–
me: I’m thinking
One time my dad caught me smoking an e-cig so he took me out to the shed and made me smoke an entire VCR.
When I die , I want to be thrown out of a plane wearing a Superman costume.
Her: In case you’re interested, I’m dying.
Me: Then I’ll only set one place for dinner.
Have you ever been so hungry you’ve eaten fruit
I don’t need to be rich, it would just be nice to live in a neighborhood where I could be confident that that noise was definitely fireworks
Ooo! The morning weather girl…
Come on baby, give daddy the five day forecast.
happy valentine’s day to me
[in living room]
Daughter: This show SUCKS
Son: YOU suck
Wife: Ok, that’s ENOUGH
Me: WHERE IS THE TV REMOTE
Realtor: *clears throat*
Me: Feels like home…we’ll take it
Barry?
Yes Joe
Can I borrow Air Force 1? I promised this girl we’d eat at the Pizza Hut in France
No Joe
*Biden slams fist*
THIS IS BULLSHIT
The kids (oldest is 6) want to watch a film “with bunnies in it”. Watership Down or Donnie Darko?
Hey! Remember how fat your arms are?
-Summer
Me: I have over 22k followers on Twitter.
Kid sitting next to me: I have imaginary friends too.
Misery loves company,
and apparently that’s why my parents invite me over every Thanksgiving weekend.
I rode around the block on my bike for the first time in years and now I understand why Lance Armstrong took performance enhancing drugs.
Visitor: When will you tell us where you keep the unicorns? 🦄
Us: As soon as visitors stop feeding squirrels and taking dangerous selfies with bison, we’ll let you know where the horses with giant spikes on their heads roam.
*bird watching*
Me: “Is that a Dark Blue Wrangler up there in that tree?”
Friend: “A Dark Blue Warbler? Never even heard of that. Where?”
*I point to where I saw it, but it’s too late. The pair of jeans has already been spooked, and majestically flies off into the sunset.*
The first Hobbit movie was half the book. The second, about a quarter. In the sixth instalment, the group has a 3 hour breakfast and a nap.
Brain, I know you’re trying hard but you are not doing a good job.
They said I’d have to kiss a lot of frogs before finding my prince. I never found him, but I did find out I’m REALLY into frogs.
“NO NUT NOVEMBER” I scream before stabbing Mr. Peanut with an Epi-Pen
me: I told our son it’s okay to cry if you drop your ice cream
wife: what did he say?
me: he kept laughing at me
The person in that bathroom stall would not survive ‘A Quiet Place’
I’ll photoshop my youngest into old pics just to make him stop crying about not being a part of the family before he was born.
You don’t know rock bottom until someone tries to tickle your neck fat.
Body: We need to sleep
Brain: Do fish have any concept of rain?
Stomach: LET’S MAKE NACHOS
General Anesthesia implies the existence of Major Anesthesia.
I always look for the best looking cashier at the supermarket and always end up at the self checkout lane