Ariel: I wanna be where the people are!
Me: idiot
You Might Also Like
My husband keeps texting me he loves me and that i’m hot, what a weirdo like calm down pal, we’re married
There’s no song for those of us who want to throw our hands up in the air and wave ‘em like we have a great deal of concern.
doc: “your dad’s been in a coma for 9 days, we’re running out of ideas”
me: “let me try” [goes to adjust thermostat]
dad: [opens one eye]
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes; now I have Heinzsight.
I’m trying to be more fit these days, so now I walk inside the store to buy my donuts instead of using the drive-thru.
I ate the whole box of slim fast bars. So excited about how skinny I’ll be when I wake up tomorrow.
I want you to cuff my hands behind my back.
Not for sex play but to keep my fingers away from the keyboard after reading some of the stupid shit you post.
‘Pizza Hut, can I take your order?’
Me: ‘May I speak with the owl, please?’
‘Who?’
Me: ‘Hahaha, that never gets old! Large pepperoni.’
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
Hackers in movies think they’re so cool they can get any password in five mins flat. Well so can I. Just that it’s for my own accounts.
She’s a 10…but sometimes an 8 and maybe a 12 once in awhile because clothing sizes are so inconsistent.
My 6yo told my husband he was “grounded for eternity,” but my 4yo pointed out that “you have to let him out when he dies so he can go to a cemetery.”
“Marines!”
“SIR, YES SIR!”
“Get ready to deploy at 05:00 sharp–HUGHES WHERE IN THE SHIT ARE YOU GOING!?”
“That’s too early I quit.”
Just told my toddler to eat 5 bites of her dinner, to which she replied I was horrible. So I counted the number 3 twice. Biotch.
*crashes your wedding
Why aren’t you answering my DM?!
If you put holy water in a humidifier it turns the room into a gas chamber for vampires.
[car in front of me stops to turn, forcing me to slow down slightly]
ME: I hate you
[doorbell rings]
Me: [opens door] yes?
Kidnapper: look I know you haven’t paid the ransom yet but-[hands toddler back]
whoever decided how to spell camouflage is a terrible terrible person
Husband: No stubble? Did you finally shave your legs?
Me: No. I grew it out so you’d stop complaining about the stubble.
[girlfriend texting me] so what are you gonna do to me tonight 😉
[remembers how she likes it rough] shoot you out of a cannon
I straightened my hair and wore my contacts. So according to all the 90s movies I’m unrecognizably hot now, right!?
Please sir, Under Arrest is my father’s name. You can call me Free To Leave.
Anyone else ever wondered how long it would take a giraffe to throw up ?
Posing with your cat to attract men is like posing with your cat to attract men,
I’m into the “girl next door” type. Until the restraining order takes effect and I have to move.
Then I’m into the “cute, angry girl that’s always 50ft away from me” type.
“You know what? I had a speech ready but I’m going to speak from the heart”
*smashes teleprompter with a baseball bat*
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: yes that’s when i didn’t have a job
*august*
y’all need jesus
*christmas ads start*
not like that
[comes out of coma after 12 years]
ME: Holy shit I forgot to set my AIM status to ‘Away’!
DOCTOR: you might want to take a seat