“Son, you suck.”
-Dracula, teaching his children basic survival tactics
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Our wifi is down and I had to fap using only my imagination like some kind of savage 🙁
[shark tank]
“Hi, what’s your product idea?”
Product? [holding bucket of live fish] I’m here to see the tank of sh-… I’ve made a mistake
Anyone: You go girl!
Me: Omg, ok. Yes. Finally. *walks away*
[Jack Black’s birthday]
Oh wow..ANOTHER rock polisher, thanks grandma.
“How is Rock School going dear?”
It’s School of ro- *sigh* nevermind.
Fighting on twitter be like 🤣
i bet all the girls say “i bet you say that to all the girls” to all the guys.
No matter how bad your day is going, take comfort in the fact that it was my dog, not yours, that took a dump in Home Depot.
Waiter: Here is your salmon.
Me: I didn’t order this
Waiter: it’s from the gentleman at the bar
*I look over at the bar and a grizzly bear winks and lifts his glass*
My parents are replacing their coffee machine, which is 7 years old.
Me: that’s not that old, I have sheets older than that.
Mother: well perhaps your sheets aren’t getting as much action as our coffee machine.
I’m going to need an ambulance.
My 7 yr old son drew a picture of an old woman.
I asked him who it was & he replied
“She comes into my bedroom to kiss me goodnight”
A chill ran down my spine then I remembered my mum is staying with us & it’s probably her.
Boss: What’s your five-year goal?
Me: Paid administrative leave.
Me: 🎶 Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away 🎶
Optometrist: “You need glasses.”
You can take all the daylight you saved & stick it where the sun don’t shine.
You get: 1 hour of extra sleep
You lose: the will to live after the sunsets at 4pm
This older woman on this flight next to me just pulled out her knitting so I pulled out my knitting and started talking to her about it and she could not have been less interested. She’s now wearing earplugs. Not even headphones to listen to music. Earplugs.
If someone tweets in the bathroom they are live streaming.
Hairdresser: How do you feel about a chin length hairstyle?
Me: That depends
Her: On?
Me: Which chin you’re going by.
If we date, pls know I will bird call to you from another aisle in the grocery store
What if we’re all misreading this photo and the lobsterwoman is so powerful that she’s actually summoning a lobster out of the ocean into the boat.
torturer: *sharpening butcher knife*
me: please, no! I have a baby!
torturer: how old?
me: three months
torturer: *untying ropes* go home, I can’t compete with that
I’m starting a Kickstarter to bring a lion from Africa and let it loose in a dentist’s office.
*checks real estate listings on other planets*
birds can make their homes in tall treetops and soar at great heights and pigeons are like no thank you i will commute by foot to home depot
I’m going to be a printer today and just not work.
The soul weighs 21 grams. We know this because the Jurassic World film reels are 21 grams lighter than Jurassic Park
My biggest fear is dying in a car accident that doesn’t destroy my phone
I don’t understand what someone gets out of arguing with a complete stranger.
Fight with your family like the rest of us.
Failed long-term relationships are never a total waste. They teach you valuable life skills, like how to carve profanity into car paint.
Me: You know what I don’t get?
Friend: Laid.
Me:
Friend:
Me: You know what else I don’t get?
“My great-grandma went to jail for making moonshine” was probably not the family history topic my son’s teacher expected.