I call all my kids “baby” so I don’t confuse their names…
Like a playa
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I dont know about you guys, but I am amazed Pringles is able to constantly grow the same shaped potato. Science.
The coins in my cup holder have bonded together and will be the problem of whomever owns my vehicle next.
It’s fine to eat a “test” grape in the produce section but you take one bite of a rotisserie chicken and it’s all, “sir you need to leave.”
I wish the guy who made the vacuum cord would chat with the guys that make phone chargers.
Don’t call me “Dad”, please call me by my professional title, “Half-Eaten Food Connoisseur Broken Toy Engineer Butt-Wipeologist”.
My favorite way of establishing dominance is to spend hours cleaning my entire room and then say “sorry it’s so messy” when people come in
Snap: i’m snap
Crackle: i’m crackle
Dad: hi snap and crackle i’m pop
*jingles half the way*
[zoo]
Hey dad, where are mountain lions from?
*dad panics*
-Uhh…you see, son, when a mountain and a lion love each other very much…
[at the drug store]
Employee: May I help you, sir?
Me (nervously): YEAH, I’M LOOKING FOR SOMETHING CALLED A “CHILL PILL”
Is your bathroom floor too dry? Try having kids™️
At least something in this house will finally get stuffed tomorrow.
HR: So, what would you say is your greatest strength?
Me: I’m really good at stealing office supplies.
HR: *Looks down to throw away my resume but his desk is gone* Holy shit.
What do you call the yellow ones?
-Yellow labs.
And the black ones?
-Black labs.
So the brown ones are-
-No we named those after dog poison.
There should be a socially acceptable way to say, “I’m not sure what to say to that. Can you please say something different?”.
“Everybody cut foot loose” – Russian version of Saw
[Dollar Store Interview]
“What are your qualifications?”[Slides over a dollar]
“Cashier job is yours”[Slides $2]
“Welcome to Management”
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
*I cycle off mt Rushmore and fall to my death but my bicycle lands on the end of Lincolns nose and makes a perfect pair of reading glasses*
If someone says they’re a lover not a fighter it’s completely legal to punch them to see if it’s true.
What the hell is going on in that bathroom?
You’re not allowed to donate blood if you’ve listened to Kid Rock in the last 6 months.
HER: Hi, I’m your real estate agent.
ME: It’s okay, I can tell when someone is imaginary, you can just say “estate agent”.
My goal weight is to stop hearing ‘you have a great personality’
Are designated drivers only for people who drink?? Coz I’ve already dropped my keys twice just walking to my car.
If we keep building giant walls at the border to Mexico it’s only a matter of time before natural selection gives us giant Mexicans.
can’t a woman breastfeed their 6yo without a celestial monk creeping on them?
My first base coach won’t let me practice kissing, I hate baseball.
one time i went to the bathroom and i didn’t know my xbox headset was still on and the other gamers heard me give myself a pep talk
[wife gets home] did you feed the baby his spinach today?
[me doing push ups] hell no I’m not letting that baby get stronger than me