My doctor said my cervix is perfect.
I’m still blushing.
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Me: ‘Alexa, set the timer for 90 minutes.’
Alexa: ‘What are we burning tonight?’
I’m going spiraling, do you need anything?
[my first day as a 911 operator]
*eating peanut butter with a spoon* 911 wath er mumergy
Me: What’s for dinner?
Her: Chinese.
Me: I will make the Duck Sauce.
*catches duck
*fires up juicer
I don’t pick my nose in the car. I’m worried the airbag will deploy and force my finger into my brain.
[Spelling Bee]
Her: Your word is consent.
Him: Can you describe the word?
Her: Yes.
Found out it’s $3000 to get laser eye surgery and $300 to get laser hair removal so I’m just gonna get the hair removal on my eyebrows and scootch up a bit when they start.
What’s the difference between a sweater and a jacket.
You wear a jacket when you’re cold.
You wear a sweater when your mum is cold.
#SweaterDay #RubbishJokes
Spoiler alert: The fairytale ends with the prince at work, 3 whiney kids, and you are cinderella AND the wicked witch.
*putting 4 to bed*
Me: we’re going to have a better day tomorrow, right?
4: no
Me: I just mean there was too much crying and whining today… so let’s try less crying and whining tomorrow
4: no, I won’t do that
Me:
4:
Me: ok, good talk
4: no
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: let’s back up for a second
ME: what’s wrong
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: did you just call it dude diligence
Worrying that Disney will ruin Star Wars is like worrying that a second iceberg will dive down to hit the Titanic.
ac guy: when your air filter is dirty you
me: flip it around.
ac guy: no.
Age is just a number until your back goes out picking up a sock.
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
Friends: “Be ready at 7:30”
Me at 7:30:
When someone says we can do something “weather permitting” I remind them that weather’s not the boss of me. Snow or no snow, I’m not going.
OK, if you get to refer to your favorite football team as “we,” then I definitely get to refer to the cast of Friends as “we.”
I’m calling Facebook “Mom” now because all it does is tell me who from my high school is engaged and remind me about my cousins’ birthdays.
Wedding DJ took it down a notch and was like, “Y’all, throw your hand up if you found that special someone. Now put your hand up if you found an ancient tomb. Keep your hand up if it feels like the ancient tomb found you.”
People are teaching their dogs how to skateboard and my dog’s chart at the vet says “must be picked up, won’t walk”.
“Dear God, make me a bird, so I can…”
*turns into penguin*
“DAMMIT I WASN’T FINISHED!”
“My favorite sex fantasy starts with you bringing me wine…”
And then?
“Cheese.”
Mmmm and then?
“You close the door from outside.”
normalize slapping the phone out someone’s hand when they use speakerphone in public.
11: Why are cars delivered by ships called cargo but in a car it’s called a shipment?
Me: no more YouTube before bed.
“do you know why I pulled one over on you?”
becau- wait what?
“I’m not a real cop lol”
haha nice!
*pulls gun* “I am taking your car though”
If at first you don’t succeed, sweep the leg.
You: I’m so hard on myself.
People on the internet: Hold my beer.
So Nicolas Cage and John Travolta walk into a bar and the bartender says “hey, why the wrong face?”
People used to laugh when I said I wanted to be a standup comic. Well, no one’s laughing now. Wait.