4yo: Mommy? Mommy? Mommy? MOMMY? MOMMY? MOMMY?
Me, a Dad: Yeah???
4: …
4: MOMMY!!!
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How is it my dog understands the word no, but my children don’t?
she has a point
Apparently you can’t make a baby by adding water to baby powder, so don’t waste your time.
Spoiler Warning: Playing possum when you get pulled over will NOT get you out of a speeding ticket…
This day in history. 1940. Carbon-14 was discovered, allowing us to estimate the age of organic materials such as wood, leather, and Cher.
“I’m not going to eat anything today”
“Pie?”
“Please”
All great Italian chefs smoke. That’s how they time their cooking. For example, spaghetti boils for 1 cigarette.
*destroys head of lettuce*
*becomes new ruler of all lettuces*
Nothing is better than working out to 80s music. Except listening to 80s music without working out.
[police lineup]
COP: number three step forward and say the phrase on your card
ME: who says you can’t pull your chair right up to the buffet?
WITNESS: omg yes that’s him, officer
My coworker carries around a rosary in his hand so that if he gets caught sleeping he can say he was praying
Before you die, get your affairs in order so they don’t find out about each other.
How to unravel a sweater…
A thread 🧵
“Hot damn!” – the Nazi’s probably after their dams were destroyed.
I don’t know; I’m not a historian. It’s just an educated guess.
Her: I’ve found a picture of you when you were a baby!
Me: yeah? let me see.
Her: *shows me a pic she took during a previous argument*.
if I eat the entire box of girl scout cookies at once then I’ll only hate myself one time instead of each time I eat them do the math sweetie
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
My favorite part of The Little Mermaid is when Ariel signs a contract fully aware of the terms then kills the other party to get out of it.
December has 5 Saturdays.
FIVE.
That November salary will be fighting for its life.
When we first dated I thought your freckles were dots of inexcusable cuteness. Now I can see how joined up they draw a pentagram.
By the time you finish reading this tweet, you will be slightly closer to death than you were before.
I hope it was worth it.
I keep hearing about all these businesses having a deep clean. What even is a deep clean? Have I just been shallow cleaning all these years, he asks as he wafts a duster in the general direction of some dust.
That awkward moment when you walk in on your sons having a yo momma insult contest.
WIFE: can you put the baby to sleep
ME: *trying to get the baby in a chokehold* his head’s too small it’s not working
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for it’s health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
Give me a few strong men, and I’ll build a nation. Give me a few hot women, and I’ll conquer the world.
Boxing is like a dance, a dance where you punch your dance partner until he doesn’t want to dance anymore.
Yoga class instructor: Welcome. Uhh why are you carrying a lightsaber?
Me: Misread the brochure I have.
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
Swing states aren’t as much fun as they sound.