If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
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I ran a whole 5K and didn’t even eradicate cancer
Them: What did you make for dinner?
Me: Arroz con pollo
Them: What’s that?
Me: Chicken and rice
Them: Why didn’t you just say that?
Me: 🤦♀️
*Welds all night without incident..
*Burns self getting a pizza out of the oven..
Yes, I absolutely want to hear about your cat’s medication.
I just saw Madonna climb out of a hollowed out tree trunk in the woods near my house.
[tries to blow a kiss]
Kiss: I have a boyfriend
I react to the UPS guy delivering my Amazon package the way geese react to people with bread.
Canadians are not always nice, especially if your son pisses on their snowman.
One day, I hope to give someone a small, very personal item and then gently close their fingers over it
[gets pulled over for speeding]
Where’s the fire ma’am?
*grips lighter*
“I’m not sure yet”
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
Strip search? Fine but I’m going to need some music.
dating again after you break up with a long term partner is like dying in a video game and ending up back at the start to do it all again except with less health
Nobody discretely coughs blood into a handkerchief while wearing a top hat anymore.
movies gotta warn me if they’re a part 1, before i’m in the theater. I just got jump scared by “to be continued” screens twice in one week (Fast X and Spiderverse).
i’m a 37 year old man and and i need emotional closure in my movies, i don’t have time to be cliffhanged
Recently I’ve been spending more and more time deep-frying a whole range of fruits and vegetables in batter, such as pineapples, bananas, potatoes, apples and so on.
It’s a lot of fun but I’m worried that I’m frittering my life away.
[ robbing grocery store ]
me: put the money in the bag
her: paper or plastic
I’m worried that I encouraged my kids to marry someone for their character and intellect and now I’m gonna end up with nerd grandkids.
quick somebody give me a grocery to buy. I absolutely cannot walk out of this store with just cucumbers and coconut oil.
“Bob is coming over for dinner tonight.”
Bob from work or Bob that ended the dinosaurs?
*the sky turns red and warm*
When you’re anti-social, knowing you’re not alone is both comforting and disconcerting.
My pet name for my manhood, for obvious reasons, is Whitesnake…You know, cuz… “Here I go again on my own”.
Me irl
Golfer: *lining up his shot* what do you think?
Me (first day as a caddy): *reaching for a club* i think you should try your best
(Don’t let her know you can’t read)
Yes I’ll have this
*points to menu*
-So you want the gratuity of 15% added to parties of 8 or more?
Shit
I long for the days when waking up with a “stiff one” wasn’t referring to my lower back.
Some women are called sirens I’m more of an annoying doorbell
manning had to write 500 words about thomas edison, he got his 500 word count pretty quickly: When Thomas Edison was 12 Thomas Edison convinced Thomas Edison’s parents to let Thomas Edison start selling newspapers. (the entire paper is like this!!)
We’re gonna party like its 1999.
//breaks out Nokia flip phone and starts to panick about Y2K//
need a new bf mines broken 😐