Me: I won’t be needing you to help me work through my problems anymore.
Therapist: why’s that?
Me: I got a dog.
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Be nice to your old friends. They have pictures of your hair from 1988.
Ten years ago I married my best friend. The vicar had awful eyesight and we were too polite to point out his mistake. All terribly British.
My fortune cookie reads “I peed in your fried rice” and it’s hand written…
What’s that, Lassie? Timmy’s in trouble? His marriage is falling apart? He’s having an existential crisis? I’ve got my own problems, Lassie.
Me: I’ve gone my whole life without having any hearing problems.
Middle age: Hold my beer.
Me: What?
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
*goes on strict diet for a month, steps on scale*
i lost 4 lbs, nice
*goes off diet for one day, steps on scale*
the punishment does not fit the crime
Fantasy:
We run in slow motion toward each other across an open field.
Her side is mined.
i unknowingly took my toddler to the museum with a shirt pocket full of scrambled eggs
My ex from LAST YEAR posted ‘6 years strong’ with his girlfriend???? I-
if i ever got married i would use the reception as an opportunity to just play every song i’ve ever liked. no theme, no vibe. just me being like “omg i love this one” for two hours
The average person eats 35,000 cookies before they die.
I think it would take far less if you tried to do that amount in one sitting.
GUY: my new boss is gay
ME: my new bed sheets are warm
GUY: [clearly frustrated] what does that have to do with anything?
ME: exactly
*Steve Carell washes hands*
*Steve Purell*
There are two kinds of people in this world, people that know things and people who don’t know how to use Google.
GUY: how’s it going?
ME [scraping the ‘us’ off my Prius]: well it’s not going great, Ron
I struggle against the ropes binding me, catching the scent of gas. “You’ll die too,” I say.
“9 lives,” my cat whispers, lighting a match.
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a carburetor?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patri- oh
Autocorrect turned your lynch mob into a lunch mob? Maybe if you ate something you wouldn’t be so angry.
Not an. Officer sitting next to me …. Now I can’t drink my… er.. water
Threads is like Adibas trainers or a Bolex watch
Every heartwarming human interest story in america is like “he raised $20,000 to keep 200 orphans from being crushed in the orphan-crushing machine” and then never asks why an orphan-crushing machine exists or why you’d need to pay to prevent it from being used.
Kids, we can go to the pet expo BUT WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY ANIMALS. WE ALREADY HAVE A DOG
*leaves with two lizards, a fish & a baby giraffe
Sportscenter, episode 542783747363467367984768474756431063389425993399064375493638386747899532689432462567953467347: Men talking animatedly.
her: what are you watching?
me: film about misconceptions of ownership and land rights of wetlands under an absolute monarchy
her:
me:
her: are you describing sh—
me: yeah it’s shrek again
I don’t normally cook. How much vodka do you add to the mashed potatoes?
Husband: Well, for starters, she introduces me as her current husband.
Marriage counselor: …
Me: …
her: wanna go upstairs
me: ok
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten.
When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that shit.
Just watched a guy in a shirt that read “Jedi I am” trip on a curb and fall.
Jedi you are not sir