Decided not to have kids after spending the weekend with my little niece who only wanted to eat the “inside of a pancake”
You Might Also Like
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
PRO TIP:
Using a Starbucks cup to ask for change makes me think I’m worse off than you
[COP] license and registration please
[ME] sure thing
°opens glovebox°
°slowly pulls out middle finger°
Stock market update:
Last month 401 k
This month 401 not ok
I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.
If you hide the Easter eggs while you’re drunk, nobody knows where they are
Ooops wrong house😂😜
If someone catches you doing something inappropriate don’t stop, just do it slowly while keeping eye contact.
*watching the villains on the moon in Superman II*
Daughter: Are they the first to land there?
Me: No – Neil before Zod
Me: Who made this mess?
8-year-old: Not me.
6-year-old: Not me.
4-year-old: Not me.
3-year-old: A horse. I saw it.
I have a suspect.
Hot seniors in your area want to complain about the weather
So, I bought the Cucumber Mint lip balm from Burt’s Bees. I kinda love it and hate it too. What? Oh, yeah I want to report a murder.
The worst part of Aquaman’s day is when he has to kill time on land for half an hour after eating a meal.
you (uneducated, wastes time): *pours half & half into your coffee*
me (math genius, time efficient): *pours 1 into my coffee*
[Wedding day]
Bride: *coming down the aisle* WTF? You’re wearing the same dress as me!?!?
Me: Well THIS is awkward
Priest: *in same dress* Ok. One of us has to change
What if bananas turn black and bruised because they run their own fight club when we’re not around?
ME: this mask should give me the best protection
SCUBA INSTRUCTOR: is that an N95
Did you know that if you squint at a cat and it squints back, it’s the cat’s way of saying “What the f are you looking at?!”
My Fitbit thanked me for not making him work nearly as hard as the other Fitbits.
Movie tickets for 4: $56
Popcorn: $16
Hot dogs: $20
Sodas: $14
Candy: $15
Parking: $5Seeing the smiles on your family’s faces: $126
If someone bumps into you while you are wearing camouflage you have no one to blame but yourself.
I’m crowd funding an organic lettuce purchase from Whole Foods.
Friend: [rubs my shoulder] Aw, honey, your life isn’t over. It’s just beginning!
Me: *sobs even harder
About 2/3 of Earth’s surface is water. Same for the human body. So really, we’re all incontinent
Her: I’m not cleaning the sheets this time
I wrote a screenplay
-No you didn’t
About our Savior
-Just stop
Opening Judea’s best ice cream shop
-Shut up
It’s Jesus Christ, Scooper Star
Couldn’t look worse today.
Time to run into an ex…
The correct amount of coffee is the amount where, if you perished, your heart would continue to beat for a good 2-3 days.
Do Russia and Uganda realize if they put all their gay people in jail then jail will become the nicest part of their country?
If “live each day as if it’s your last” means being paralyzed with anxiety and a sense of impending doom then I am absolutely nailing it