Everybody was Feng Shui fighting, those cats improved my ambient lighting.
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DOCTOR: “You sit down too much.”
ME: “I understand.”
DOCTOR: “Exactly.”
Interviewer: Are you a natural leader?
Me: *steps out of his office* Sweet Caroline…
Everyone: BOM BOM BOM
Interviewer: Damn you’re good.
I was in the grocery store when Vogue came on, and while nobody could keep up with my choreography, security did let me finish the routine.
My therapist: oh my socks are loose
Me:
Me: are you feeling shrinky?
Dr: Have you been getting enough exercise?
Me: Does sex count as exercise?
Dr: Yes.
Me: No.
ME: But Lord, what about the times I saw only one set of footprints in the sand?
JESUS: You know what, stop trying to be some kind of beach detective
So hopping on a bandwagon is bad but falling off the wagon is also bad. Which is it society? Where is the acceptable orientation relative to a wagon?
*points to baseball player stealing a base* hey look the batman is robin
Me: I get scared. I can’t explain it. It’s a weird feeling when the change happens.
Friend: They’re just transition lenses. Please calm down.
People keep accusing me of using the wrong words in my sentences.
It’s like everyone in my life has turned into a grandma nazi.
me: i won employee of the month
her: ur self-employed
me:
her:
me: i also got demoted
DATING: Goodnight
ENGAGED: Sweet dreams
MARRIED: Is the car locked?
Complete list of all the words I know to “The Macarena”:
1- Hey
2- Macarena
I love when I wake up to sunshine and birds singing and good coffee and I think it’ll be a Disney day but then I open Twitter and realize I’m only in act one of a horror movie
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
I’m older than the internet. When I was a kid we didn’t Google things, we had to ask our parents and then carefully filter through the bullshitery
Thinking of having kids?
Buy a sofa where the cushions are attached and don’t come off.
You’re welcome. I’ve just saved you fifteen million hours of your life.
If we are eating peas and one falls in the floor my husband can’t wait to say someone “pead on the floor”
Cave rescue is going to make an incredible movie, can’t wait to see Scarlett Johansson inspire in her role as 12 Thai boys.
Grey Goose and Red Bull, because two sets of wings is better than one.
My kid woke up sick and told me he was gonna eat a bunch of junk food since ‘obviously vitamins don’t work’ and I think we should consider his position
I packed 5 oranges in 5 different lunches today and all five oranges came back home. Apparently, I send fruit on field trips.
It’s so disorienting to eat a shrimp and gain it’s memories
king kong winces in agony after stepping on a lego store
Dolphin scientists say that dolphins are the smartest animal next to humans, but I think they’re only saying that because they’re dolphins.
There are 2 types of people in this world: those that can parallel park on the 1st try and those that don’t think they are better than everyone else.
tinder, huh? back in my day if you wanted a girl to notice you, you had to dress like a gargoyle and cling to the roof of her parents’ home
It’s Saturday night and I just saw a guy with a ponytail and tinted lenses. Somewhere, a tarantula is home alone
My 2-yr-old has a toy phone that she pretends to talk on.
She looked right at me and said “hewwo?” into the toy phone.
I grabbed my phone and said, “hello, Isla! This is Daddy!”
She then said, “Isla not home” and hung up on me.