Friend: Take more chances in life.
Me: I wonder who would notice the missing mini fridge first, the hotel cleaning staff or the next guest?
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friend: [texting] i’m gonna be late
me: *1 week later* for what?
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
When I’m at the mall, I carry a purse around so people think I have a girlfriend
July 2019
*buys new dress shoes from .shoes.com*August 2019 – present
*gets 30% off email from .shoes.com EVERY OTHER day*August 2060:
*.shoes.com representative chisels “30% off” coupon code on my headstone*
When someone asks for advice about dumping their partner, they don’t mean in the woods.
I know that now.
You know you spend too much time with your kids when there’s Sesame Street music in your head while mentally undressing women.
Future Headline:
“Trump Caught On Tape Eating Newborn Babies,
Hillary Caught Using Friend’s Netflix Password
Undecideds Still On The Fence”
Sex at 20: yes baby rearrange my guts
Sex at 40: be careful my gut is still a little bloated from all those bread sticks
Bird: We can fly so we can go anywhere, soar through the skies, glide through the air!!
Bird 2: It’s incredible!!
Bird: imma stand in the road
Bird 2: Me too
if I were Sleeping Beauty I would have killed the prince who woke me up
I will never refer to ‘drunk me’ or ‘sober me’ because that implies the second one exists.
Why isn’t “long weekend” simply written as weeeeekend?
My 4yo refers to any time in the past as ‘last years ago’ which is about as accurate as when I say ‘the other day’.
OK. So you’re REALLY good at interfering.
What do you want, a meddle?
In the 1990’s we didn’t have Uber, so we just hitched a ride with a stranger that didn’t look like a serial killer.
*barber hands me the mirror to check the back*
“Looks good!” I lie, after a few seconds of being unable to get the mirror to angle properly
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
If the characters can come alive in Toy Story, then why can’t my dishwasher play cleanup while I’m gone.
I come from a long line of successful people.
I decided to stop that tradition.
Gift horse “My gums are bleeding.”
Dentist “Well this is a professional dilemma…”
[Wife sweeping up all the dog hair into one big pile and answers the phone]
30 seconds later…
Kid: Look mom fur angels
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like, “Why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
I wonder if both Wright Brothers were behind their inventions, or it was just one & their mother yelling “Wilbur, you include your brother!”
Church: time to come back
Me with 3 small boys: Well, OK
Church: not you
I think that news channel only hired you as a weather forecaster so they could see you get hit by a stop sign in a hurricane.
I believe that growing up watching Porky Pig cartoons have contributed to my lack of pants.
help keep the English language alive by teaching your kids nearly outdated expressions
Plus nothing beats a 5yo pointing & yelling “BEHOLD!”
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at rat in my pocket aiming a gun]: yes, i do
Boy am I stuffed! I finally finished eating the bag of salt I got for Christmas