The twin sisters that live next door to me, shower is broke so they’re using mine. So, you know what that means…
More hair in my drain.
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[Bruce Wayne enters Gotham Orphanage]
I’ll take your finest orphan.
“Sir, we can’t just give-”
Here’s $50mil.
“Do you like boy acrobats?”
I sit in the corner eating my tortillas completely confused by this salsa class.
If you have to wait a while to get a fast food order, say, “I thought this was FAST food.” The place will never recover from that mega burn
Im going out tonight with my new friends, dont wait up!
*runs into the sunset with a pack of wild squirrels*
Anti-gay preacher comes to Iceland. Locals buy all tickets to his event in Reykjavik, and then don’t turn up, leaving empty arena. Class.
I’ve asked a few people now what IDGAF stands for and I can’t say anyone’s replies have been that helpful.
The woman doing my nails said the last person did a terrible job and I should start coming to her instead.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
I love how once you hit 30 every conversation can be turned into a competition for how little effort was put into pulling a muscle.
[at a boat store]
Salesperson: Can i help you?
Me: (acting like I know what I’m doing) yes, I’d like to see your models that float please.
I’ve been introducing myself as Jim The Chosen One ever since I was named milk monitor in grade 6.
Me: I need to get something off my chest
My conjoined twin: I HAVE A NAME
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with an air-fryer.
Glad i moved to a hip neighborhood where everyone is hot and I look like a rat who figured out how to use H&M gift card.
Wife: Why did you have to cook all of it at once? Not only do we now have to eat 5 pounds of the stuff for breakfast but the whole house smells like bacon!
Me: I’m failing to see what part of this is upsetting
like idgaf i’ll tell you goodnight at 3pm if you piss me off.
Ocean’s 8 makes me feel seen as a woman but also as someone who has tried to organize anything with more than 3 people
“You think only God can judge you?”
*Judge Judy spins around in chair to face you*
“Well THINK AGAIN!”
*bangs gavel so hard it breaks*
If you want me to die in a horrible accident tell me there’s an ice cream bar at the top of a spiral staircase.
*Ancient Egypt*
Me: My abacus won’t work
IT: Hit giant eye + guy holding snakes + big ass bird
Me: Nothing
IT: Okay, reset *shuffles abacus*
If I drop something in the toilet, it’s gone forever. I am not going in after it. Just ask my daughter. Oh, that’s right, you can’t.
This store brand ice cream tastes like someone tried chocolate once, then spent years drunkenly trying to recreate it in a lab
So you think the sloth is the slowest land mammal in the world? Let me introduce you to my 4 year old when he needs to get ready for bed
JOKER ENDING EXPLAINED! those names were the people who worked on the film
(in starbucks) “i’ll take 450 lattes”
“thats $2,380”
(card declined) “DAMMIT just one then”
No, I am not okay. Facebook just showed me something I posted 10 years ago.
I can’t be a sellout. I have no idea what anyone wants.
“At least Donald Trump says what he thinks.”
Ah yes if only all racists would shout about it constantly the world would be a better place.
Maced a hobo who started pulling cables out of my computer at work.
Turned out to be the hipster IT guy and now I’m in HR again.
My dog doesn’t even understand what I’m doing when I air guitar solos to metal ballads but she dutifully holds up her lighter.
Leo: *names his child Oscar*
Doctor: “Would you like to hol-”
Leo: “Say it like we rehearsed it.”
Doctor: *sighs* “And the Oscar goes to…”