subtitles are so good nowadays
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She left me because I am insecure.
No wait, she’s back.
She just went to get a glass of water.
I like the idea in Star Trek that universal audio translators are a thing by the 23rd century. That means around the 22nd century we just get special glasses that show subtitles
LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOO
Met Office warns snow could cut off rural communities from the rest of the UK, coming as huge relief to people living in rural communities.
Got a phone call and the caller ID said NYC Human. That sure narrows down the list of who it can be doesn’t it?
ME: Mint choc chip ice cream, pls. I got my own cone [places it on counter]
EMPLOYEE: This is a traffic cone?
ME: You must be new here.
Bouncer: ID please
Me: I got socks for Christmas
Bouncer: …okay
Me: and I’m genuinely happy about it
Bouncer: so sorry come on in
the three stages of a woman’s life:
– the chosen one
– the mother
– solving crimes in the village
[hospital]
“We found the problem. There’s an entire sheep in your stomach.”
“Is that bahahaad?”
“Yes. It’s causing some internal bleating.”
Monsters under the bed lose their scariness when my own bed tries to make waffles out of me.
When rapping in my car, I hold my phone to my ear so passersby think I’m on an intense business call.
I child proofed my entire house…
and they still got in
Fun Fact: Baby powder’s ingredients include baby brothers and sisters who acted up.
Me: *eating 3rd Twix of the day*
Her: You eat too much candy, you’re going to make me a widow
Me: *orders 10 truckloads & cancels all plans*
Surprise sex is by far the best thing to wake up to! …Unless you’re in prison.
Pandemic’s been going on so long quarantine is now quaranadult
I’m “Since when did it become unacceptable for your socks to show” years old.
The idea of a fight club with rules is ridiculous. My fight club can’t even keep track of the snack chart.
people naming their orcs with excessive apostrophes like
a thought I have quite often is that there are almost about 50 million kangaroos in Australia and 5 million New Zealand citizens. If the kangaroos were to invade New Zealand each Kiwi would need to fight at least 10 kangaroos.
store clerk: can I help you find anything
me: yes *hands over where’s waldo book*
I have no problem sticking to a diet if I go to sleep right after breakfast.
Me: If I ever decide to commit a murder I am going to make a doll out of my hair to put in the victim’s house.
Friend: why?
Me: That way they look crazy and there is a reason my hair is at the crime scene.
Friend: (backing away slowly) sounds well thought out.
“Honey, I’m pregnant”
“Are you kidding me?”
“That’s another way of saying it, I guess, yeah”
Welcome to your 40’s…you can now use this as an excuse not to help a friend move.
What’s wrong with university websites, a short play:
*opens university homepage*
*types in search box: “calendar”, “academic calendar”, “JUST SHOW ME THE PAGE WITH THE ACADEMIC CALENDAR ON IT”*
*gives up*
*googles name of university + “academic calendar”*
*clicks hit #1*
~fin~
I don’t hold a grudge. I need both hands free for the chainsaw.
Parents to our kids: Honesty is the best policy.
Also parents to our kids: Pretend you’re sick and don’t tell anyone I held the thermometer to the lightbulb to get us out of this party.
The guy in front of me at the supermarket paid with a check
Not to be outdone, I tried to pay with some turquoise beads and an otter pelt