The sauciest 1% of Americans are saucier than the bottom 95% combined.
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There are two sides to every story and I’m usually wrong in both.
It’s embarrassing when my wife pats me down for concealed chicken nuggets in front of our friends.
My dream job is a 7-11 hot dog just rolling there endlessly in a zen state of warmth
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is
“This year sucked, next year will suck too.” Enough negativity, let’s hear something aspirational. In 2024 we will put all tik tok content creators in jail
The baby spit up on my Xbox so I had to get rid of it…
I’m gonna miss that baby…
[runs in out of breath, hands on my knees]
*you’re
James Woods is suing someone for $10,000,000 because they said he’s a coke addict. When asked why so much, Woods replied “Coke’s expensive.”
inheritance is a dumb system people should have to give their estate to whoever defeats them in battle like the santa clause
I like to finish other people’s sentences because
my version is better.
Ask her if she’s sure she doesn’t want to order a salad… Girls love to be called fat!
Don’t shoot until you see the whites of their eyes!!
The other side: *has jaundice wins the war*
Me asking everyone how they like their burger before I cook them all exactly the same
[First day as a personal chef]
How do you take your poptart?
“Nine Foods You Should Never Eat Again”
Also known as the contents of my refrigerator.
Quarantine Day 26
Puts pictures of mom all around the house and runs with scissors laughing maniacally
Glass caskets: will they become popular?
Remains to be seen.
choose your fighter(holiday edition)
Kellogg’s CEO just sent a company wide email telling all employees they have till 5pm tomorrow to decide if theyre ready to go ‘coocoo for cocoa puffs’ or take severance
My wife is in the kitchen and she will not bring me a beer here in the living room. That’s it…gonna text her and say “I cannot believe how lazy you are.
Gonna create a dating app for dentists called Cavity Search
What idiot called them astronomers and not skyentists
What’s it called when you’re sucking in your stomach but it looks like you’re not?
[sees woman reading]
“Gone With The Wind? Great book! I love how the *clenches fist* tornado takes Dorothy & Toto to the Land Of Oz.”
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i always wear cargo shorts
professor x: that’s stup- *coughcough* sry my throats dry
me: oh here have a gatorade
professor x: thanks man
I love in films like 300 where the main guy will say something like “get some sleep, for tomorrow we battle to death”, and everyone just goes into deep sleep, in some wet grass, fully clothed. I can’t get to sleep in a warm bed if I have a 10am conference call about content.
Satan: What’s that?
God: Babies. I made them the sweetest creatures in the universe.
Satan: I see. *invents screaming*
God: lol good one!
I bet the worst thing about being abducted is the whole country knows your real weight.
[In line at Starbucks]
[Woman behind me talking] I work in an office with 50% men so-
[Excitedly turn around] OMG YOU WORK WITH CENTAURS