Did you guys hear about the football player who hits women? No the other one. No the other one.
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Him: Where’d you get that black eye?
Me: My girlfriend gave it to me.
Him: I thought your girlfriend was out of town.
Me: I did too…
[15 minutes into choosing which crab from the tank to have for dinner]
Date: are you crying?
[alternate universe]
Aladdin: 🎵 The Exact Same World🎵
I used to be an atheist until my 8YO started asking for help with her math homework
Paramedic: What happened?
Me: [lying in pool of blood] I told my girlfriend she was turning into her mother and she stabbed me.
Paramedic: They all turn into their moth– *also gets stabbed*
Texted my wife that our 4-year-old jumped rope for the first time. Later, she came home & said to him, “I heard you jumped rope today?”
He replied, “How did you hear me do that? You were at work!”
I’ve been using a lot of moisturizer. I’m at aloe point in my life.
I let soap touch his cast iron frying pan yesterday, so can I sleep on someone’s couch for a while?
Backstreet Boys: Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely.
Me: *slow dances with cats around a pot of mac & cheese*
I put my fitbit on my ankle so that when I’m out in public I look like a felon who escaped house arrest and people won’t want to talk to me
Me: why does the ARMy use FOOT soldiers for HAND to HAND combat lol
Pentagon: he’s getting too close
*bunny hops to the smell of bacon cooking
From Facebook just now…
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
As a wife and mother my hobbies include rage cleaning, rage cooking, and rage folding.
*points at your toddler
So does it know any tricks yet?
“this corrupt city needs a hard rain. a hard penetrating rain for a dirty city. a thrusting rain. god so deep” – from my novel Sex Rain
Cheers Twitter.
If I die in my sleep, my only request is that you fold me up in my futon and sell it on Craigslist
No, YOU ploughed your car into your garage door because it was icy/you weren’t paying attention/whatever excuse is gonna get me out of trouble
bottle cap guy is just phoning it in at this point
Wife: I’m glad you’re watching TLC and looking to improve yourself. So who are your new friends?
Husband: These would be your Sister Wives
People get upset when you bring a beach ball to a funeral.
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
How you can tell a writer has no siblings:
“Hey, little bro / little sis.“
How you can tell a writer has siblings:
“Hey, loser. Mom called.”
A lady in Walmart told her son “PUT THAT SHIT BACK” so loud I almost put my shit back
Posting “wow pretty problematic” under every single person’s Spotify wrapped and then responding “it’s not my job to educate you” when they ask what I mean by that.
Server: Would you like another glass of wine?
Me: I’m sorry, I don’t have time
Server: For the wine?
Me: No, for silly questions
Ugh what’s with all the free range organic baby food crap? My parents fed me Wonder bread and jelly and guess what, I miraculously grew into an adult. I mean, not a functioning one. But still.
angel: sir, we’ve invented daylight
God: it’s so harsh, you can see every little imperfection. How do you expect people to procreate?
angel: we also invented tequila