HER: help I’m drowning!
ME: what’s the magic word?
HER: *gurgling* PLEASE![Later]
ME: *quietly to coroner* it was abracadabra
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I cannot walk on water, But I can wobble on whisky.
CHIPOTLE MANAGER: we can’t figure out why these e.coli outbreaks keep happening
ME: [bathing in a tub of salsa in the back] ya very weird
Old MacDonald loaned me cash.
He I, he I owe.
“Honey, don’t try to feed ice cream to the Christmas tree,” is a thing I literally just said.
Spent the last 10 minutes trying to kill a false eyelash on the pillow that high me didn’t take off last night
I’ve just seen my doctor quickly close the Wikipedia page for ‘bones’
I left a trail of rose petals leading to the bed and on the bed was a note that said “This is what happens to roses who cross me”
there are smart kids. Then there are my kids heating popsicles up in the microwave.
*wife offers me a sip of her water*
m: Am I gonna catch what you have?
w: No
m:
w:
m: Are you sur-
w: You’re not going to get my period!
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Don’t even show up to that.
My childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
*reads an article on a subject I know* This is bullshit
*reads an article on a subject I don’t know* If it’s published it must be accurate
Friends: Come have a drink with us!
Me: Nah, I’m not doing that anymore.
Friends: C’mon, just one!
Me: Okay, maybe just one…
[ 11 drinks later ]
Me:
Anyone want to go on a date with me tomorrow? It’s a house chores date. You come over and help clean the house, gutters included, fix a few things. Car needs detailed too. Then when we’re done you can just ghost me
*queen’s gambit*
dad: knight takes queen
daughter: *3D prints new queen*
I refuse to participate in scavenger hunts because it’s still murder to shoot people even if they were digging in dumpsters.
Every morning on my way to work, I slip on the frozen newspaper on our front porch.
I’ve fallen on some hard Times.
when spiderman jumps from building to building why isn’t it called peter parkour
There is a famous person next to me at this coffee shop. You can tell he’s waiting for me to say something. Not gonna happen. Not gonna give him the time of day. Just going to sit here and continue making machine gun noises with my mouth
If I died today, my boss would just hold a seance to add my ghost to some nonsense Teams call
I forgot why I was retracing my steps so I gave up and re-retraced them back to bed.
Dermatologist asked why I want my tattoo removed and looked at me like no one’s ever said “because it’s my ex’s Twitter handle” before.
*bitten by radioactive penguin
*gains ability to not fly
One time we sold our house and when we were moving my husband commented how the blinds never collected dust. “Let’s try to buy those same blinds!”
Me, the invisible duster: ok
Only 2 more days till the day after tomorrow
Doctor: so what type of birth control are you using?
Me: my appearance
Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.
Fan girl on the devil when you arrive in hell by telling him you’re a huge fan of his food cake
The reason that aliens have never visited us is because our solar system has received terrible reviews.
We only have one star.
Should I be annoyed or smug that I continually show up in the LinkedIn recruiter search of the company that laid me off