If getting a tan is wrong then I don’t wanna be white.
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Ate at w pho restaurant and based on my waitress’ facial reaction I’m not sure if I asked for a fork or killed her entire family
*brings laser pointer to the “Cats” movie*
I don’t know if my neighbour is having sex or disciplining her dog. Either way, I’ve paused Downton Abbey to crack the case.
I believe there’s at least 1 killer tweet in each of us. I must have had 2 and they killed each other.
FINANCIAL TIP: Invest in any store where you see my wife buying shoes.
Nice shoes. Where’d you get them?
Him: …
*peeks under bathroom stall*
Did you hear me?
It’s amazing how soft hotel towels become after you wash them at home.
Took my 4yo to the optician to get new glasses and before we left, the optician asked if he had any questions and he thought about it then said “why can’t we just eat cake for breakfast” and I was pleased because I wanted to know the answer to that too
Me when the waiter asks if there’s room for dessert
Ordered our meals entirely in French, impressing my date and baffling the Applebee’s server.
love it when they get my name right
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘monosyllabic’
“Can you describe it in a sentence?”
Yes
Toy Story
Toy Story 2: Toy Fast Toy Furious
Toy Story 3: Toykyo Drift
Toy Story 4: Toy Meets World
Toy Story 5: Toynado
Toy Story 6: Lotso’s Revenge
Toys 7
Toy Story 8: Toy Yoda-thon
Toy Story 9: The Fate of the Toys
date: So what do you do?
me: *pulls out stuffed fox* I’m a taxidermist
date: Oh wow
fox: and a ventriloquist
Just a reminder that Jingle Bells makes it sound like some grand adventure but a one-horse open sleigh is literally the cheapest sleigh you can get.
“Dark Side Tech Support.”
“Hi. My hand lightning won’t work. The hate’s flowing thru me, but nada.”
“Try turning the hate off & on again.”
Facebook needs an “I’ve already seen this on Twitter” button.
On Halloween I’ll be handing out full size bars of really bad advice.
Only while supplies last.
Dog: Stop staring at me. I don’t talk. Next time don’t take so many Sudafed.
Me: Wow, ok. Rewd.
*grabs my unicorn’s reins* Let’s go.
what’s really going on
Settle down, guy who brought a hammock to a public park. You’re working awfully hard to show us how relaxed you are.
Three tips to stay young looking: drink water, wear sunscreen every day, remember every personal slight
My 3yo made up a song called My Mommy Makes Me Happy When She Gives Me Snacks then asked me for a snack. She’s really good at this.
If I was a Transformer? I’d be called something like ‘Past-His Prime’ and i’d turn into a VCR
If you love Christmas music chances are you never worked retail during Christmas.
I hate when I have dreams about work. I’m not getting paid to interact with these people on my time off!
Getting colagen injections in my lips next week ’cause, you know, ’tis the season to be Jolie.
did you know the official veterinary term for your cat eating something it shouldn’t is “dietary indiscretion” which absolutely sounds like a cat politician trying to downplay its irresponsible past
My wife has close friends whose husbands are notably worse than me and I highly recommend this arrangement