Went to my niece’s elementary school field day last week.
I won every single event.
Every. Single. Event.
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*brings only yellow Starbursts for the office candy jar*
ME: hey boss it looks like I bit off a little more than I could chew
MORTICIAN: you’re so fired
Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.
Ironically, my toys are also called Buzz and Woody
Pictionary is the perfect game to play whenever you need an excuse to punch your friend in the face.
🙅🏻
Adoption Agency: it takes a village to raise a child
Hamlet: feels discriminatory but ok
Pro tip: when a cop asks you to step out of the car, don’t reply with “I’m too drunk, you get in.”
Ageing is just getting angrier and angrier at what rappers are called now until you see a rap name that gives you an aneurysm and you die
*bursts into starbucks*
Me: DO YOU GUYS HAVE A POWER OUTLET
Barista: yeah over there
Me: oh thank god
*plugs in a mechanical bull*
Me: Do you want to hit the steam room after this?
Leonard the shrimp I work out with: *aggressive shrimp noises*
Me: Christ, it’s a joke Leonard. Calm down.
Don’t flatter yourself lady, I wasn’t winking at you. I was winking at that biscuit you’re eating.
I was 14, my dad caught me drinking. ‘Dad, that’s the first time’
‘That’s a lie, no one ever gets caught the first time.’
So I robbed a bank
Me: Okay 2 it’s time for bed
2: NO! Mommy go to bed
Me: Okay*goes to bed
She had soft, black hair, and big, brown eyes. We went for a walk. I told her I loved her. Now she’s gone. She took off after a squirrel.
Hubs says when I drink I’m “too loud” and use too many “big words.”
WELL I’M SORRY IF MY VOCIFEROUS GRANDILOQUENCE BOTHERS YOU!!
Keep your longtime co-workers guessing and questioning their self-worth by forgetting their names.
One thing I’m really good at is turning $1500 into $4.72
These days, I just want a manageable sandwich. Nothing that requires strategy.
Now that it’s fall, I’m considering encouraging my wife to find a boyfriend so I get some free hoodies.
what’s the point of a quarantine if I’m not going to be quarantined with my incredibly beautiful mortal nemesis for days on end until our sexual tension builds and we fall in love but before we have the chance to kiss the quarantine ends and we must go our separate ways
Still my favorite television listing of all time:
My boyfriend can shower and get ready to go to dinner in 20 minutes. It takes me 20 minutes to get ready to shower.
*hands a turd to the teacher
Teacher: What’s this?!
Me: My dog ate my homework.
Oh yeah I was in a gang in high school! Well not like a real gang, it was more of a Trigonometry Club. But we still flashed sines.
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
KFC Team Member: Anything else?
Me: More gravy please, I’ll say when[several hours later]
KFC TM: WE’RE GONNA DROWN
M: I didn’t say when
When your surrounded by idiots, just remember, murder is illegal and sarcasm is way more satisfying.
Very sad to hear about Donald Trump. Nothing happened to him I’m just sad to hear about him
If you call pooping ‘taking a dumpling’ it’s too cute for people to care where you did it