Thanks for telling me this is your “pet cat” because otherwise I might have thought it was your business associate cat.
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Morbius is the highest grossing Morbius movie to DATE!
I’ve found that I can usually judge how hot a woman is by how many times my girlfriend calls her a whore.
My husband refused to go to Target with me, so I took the tv remote with me instead.
It’s always fun when a man catches feels, gets scared, and projects his fear of commitment onto you:
Him: I’m not into love or dating. I like to be free. This was a one time thing, understand?
Me: Cool, can I have my pizza now, or would that be crossing a line
Coworker: can I tell you something but don’t tell anyone else?
Me: I already forgot the question.
Cool how most makeup tutorial videos are like: ok, first, start out already young and pretty with no makeup.
my grandfather would be rolling in his grave if we got him the casket he asked for.
I no longer dislike Mondays, i’m mature now… I dislike the whole week.
I used to believe in International Women’s Day… then I realised it was just my dad sneaking into my room, dressed as an International Woman.
I think I’m finally ready to find a boyfriend!
*Looks behind drapes
*Checks under the bed
*Searches back of closetIt’s so hard to meet people these days
*Arrives at work 2 hrs late
Boss: HR wants to see you about your behavior
Me: Well, I literally just got here so it couldn’t have been me
It’s -45° and my polar bear won’t start.
Customer Service: Are you ready for your confirmation number?
Me: Yup. *pretends to write it down*
CS: 683648AC4712.
Me: mmm hmm… Ok, got it!
CS: You want to repeat it back
to me?Me: No thanks *click*
So Beyonce had a strict diet prepping for Coachella..no dairy, no carbs, no alcohol, no meat, no fish, and no sugar. I know some women with that same diet prepping for a wedding. You are marrying a guy name Dan who eats chicken pot pie at diners, ya’ll can have some bread.
In the 1970s it was almost impossible to insult someone electronically. Thank god that nightmare is over.
I can’t go on anymore dates so if you all could just decide amongst yourselves who’s stuck with me that would be great
“Take me with you,” I whisper, palms pressed to the windowpane, watching the trash truck drive away.
WHY not look a gift horse in the mouth what could it have in there
Our neighbour always gets my wife’s name wrong, so she started doing the same to him. She apologises and says English names “are challenging to remember” and “am I saying it right?”. His name is Ken
If alcohol has calories and calories are energy then cocktails are energy drinks
I should’ve never taught my parrot to say the alphabet backwards now he drives drunk all the time the cops can’t do shit it’s a real problem
[on an interview]
Him: What are your bartending qualifications? *sips coffee*
Me: *slides coaster under his mug as he puts it down*
Him: *spits out coffee* Holy shit
She blinded me with science. Fine, it was mace, but she sprayed it very scientifically.
Blessed is the one who can fall asleep before the snoring partner
Nervously, I close the bag. “No way,” I tell myself. “It’s not like she’s gonna count the fries.” I start to sweat.
If someone steals your joke, you have to file a LOLsuit
The Lord alone–not science–will determine how many chickens can fit inside my motorcycle sidecar.
Why do we never see “Side effects may include spontaneous happiness, explosive giggling, uncontrollable hugging, and diarrhea”?
I’m gonna make a photo editing type program that makes you look like a Hobbit and call it Frodoshop.