Seriously considering commissioning a family portrait photo and getting the photographer to photoshop all our faces slightly too small. Enough to be disconcerting, but not enough for guests to feel comfortable mentioning it.
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Mini tater tots cause sometimes a full sized tot is just too much
Interviewer: How do you define success?
Me: Being able to buy bacon when it’s not on sale.
The last layer of skin finally grew back on the roof of my mouth from the Hot Pocket I ate in 1987.
I just saw Beauty and the Beast and now all I want to do is live with a water buffalo and talk to my furniture
[speed dating]
Me: “Facebook or Twitter?”
Her: “Face…”
Me: “Have a nice life.”
PSA:
Drinks had at a work christmas party will get you drunk at least 50% quicker than drinks had when with friends
Me: (filling the medicine cabinet with ping pong balls)
Him: What are you doing?
Me: I invited your family over for dinner tonight.
I told my vodka about you.
Me: Bitch, try me.
Judge: That’s exactly what we’re doing here!
me: what kind of plane do you fly?
pilot: private.
me: it’s ok i won’t tell anyone.
I hand-wrote a letter today and now I have the measles and a wood-stove.
remember when i met that guy in the club and i asked what he did and he said “i work in subway” and i spent all night asking about sandwich fillings and different breads and the next day i found out he had actually said software not subway. that was a fun and sexy time for me
“Living well is the best revenge.”
Alexa, what is the second best revenge?
It’s that time of year again when I should really check in on my friends with pools or boats to see how they’ve been since last summer.
forged some of the most powerful bonds of my entire life on the beach like this
I keep a separate microwave dedicated for hotdogs. I call it Frank Zappa.
The strongest muscle in the human body is the tongue. Keep that in mind next time you find yourself in a scuffle.
even after eight years of being a dog parent i am still amazed daily how quickly and brazenly my seat gets stolen
I’m at the “my 7 yr old gave himself a hickey on his arm” part of the parenting journey.
Hashtag blessed.
[first date at a chinese restaurant]
“So are you more of a dog or a cat person?”
*reading menu* I was thinking orange chicken but you do you
Imagine me with poor grammar. Wrong. Worser.
Ladies, other women should be our allies, not our enemies. Nobody understands the heart of a woman like another woman. You’re still pretty.
Mother Goose: I need some ideas for my nursery rhymes.
Me: a young boy and girl fall down a hill and the boy suffers a head injury.
Mother Goose: what? these are for children
Me:
Mother Goose:
Me: an egg falls off a wall and dies.
Me: If there was a fire and you could only save me or the cat, who would you save?
Her:
Me:
Her: I feel like you’ve had a good run.
“Spirits, are you there?”
[ouija board] IF YOU LIKE IT THEN YOU SHOULDA PUT A RING ON IT
“Damn it, we’ve held a séaoncé again!”
For anyone who says parents can’t have Friday night fun, I’m at Target right now buying toilet paper.
So, yeah, you’re right.
Angel: Here’s the final human mold *drops it*
God: *creates mom look*
Angel: Are you mad?
God: No, just disappointed
[camping]
Him: Did you eat the last s’more?
Me: No.
Him: You’re lying.
Me: How do you know?
Him: Your pants are literally on fire.
When a person says a book is so good they can’t put it down, but yet, are not holding that book.
This is why I have trust issues.
Ryan Reynolds is my cousin
~ me flirting
~ also me lying