Mom: When I was your age I never had sex
Me: Mom, I’m 32
Mom: Exactly
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I would rather lie there and accept death than try to get out of a hammock while anyone is watching me.
I accidentally squirted body spray in my mouth and now I speak with an Axe scent.
Always remember –
If you’re having a conversation with somebody that doesn’t speak English, just talk louder.
Wonder Woman is in theaters June 2nd. But if you want a sneak preview, watch Sally Yates’ performance in front of the Senate.
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
Husband: The kids better not find out you ate their desserts.
Me in deep voice: Dead…men…tell…no…tales.
me: truth or dare
government: truth
me: is Wyoming real
government: dare
“Better to be pissed off than pissed on!”
Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I’m not angry or covered in piss.
My daughters steal my hoodies so they don’t have to deal with having a boyfriend in case you’re wondering why I’m concerned for the bloodline.
My nightie is conspiring to kill me in my sleep by pythonic constriction.
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
this november isn’t novembering the way previous novembers, novembered.
Who really needs jetpacks, I want to be able to start over from my last save point
Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs
I want that job where I push scared skydivers out of planes.
What idiot called them astronomers and not skyentists
Me: I drink vodka mainly because of my Russian roots
Him: You don’t have Russian roots
Me: *cracks open to reveal a slightly smaller me inside*
Every app is fighting for their life with push notifications and growth hacks, meanwhile wordle is right there having us do our daily pilgrimage to a mobile website
Macklemore was pretty far ahead of me in terms of self-awareness. When I was in the third grade I literally thought I might be a thundercat.
A guy just beeped for me to move from my parking spot and now I’ll be live tweeting from this spot for 3 more hours.
Why is it called an exorcist’s holy water and not disinfecthaunt?
…and send
My kid has been sneaking tv in the morning and got mad at me today when I caught him like “you didn’t tell me you were coming down the stairs!” Gee sorry I didn’t give you more time to plan your deception buddy
Summer is here! You know how I know? Cause it’s kinda hot outside. And because my panties have little watermelons on them.
Boss: You’re fired
Me: *turns in my gun and my badge*
Boss: You’re a waiter where did you get those
If I believed changing my profile picture could change the world I’d change it to a picture of vending machines that dispense tiger cubs
[movie theater]
TRAILER ANNOUNCER: how far will one man go…..to protect what he loves
ME: [turning to person behind me] pretty far i bet
[best read with a French accent]
“I am so very sorry sir, without a reservation, there is simply nothing I can do for you.”
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer had a very shiny nose. Other symptoms of his alcoholism included violent rampages and chronic nausea.
Met a guy from Iraq today who grew a full beard as I was meeting him.
Bartender: A shot of whiskey can cleanse the soul
Me: *thinks back to the time I “experimented” in college* I’ll take 27 bottles please