Some of my best eBay purchases were bought when I was high.
Except that Batgirl costume this one time (at band camp)…Chaffing.
That’s all I’m saying…
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Granmas leave the plastic fruit display with your bite marks on it to remind you of what you did 35 years ago
14 takes out the trash and recycling without being asked
Me:
Time traveling but it’s just me aging 5 years per every month of my kids life.
I have a very particular set of skills, skills I acquired over a long career. Skills that – ugh hold on
*covers phone*
MOM I’M ON THE PHONE!
My husband has blocked the sink!!!!
.
I knew I should have buried him in the garden!
What idiot decided to call them koalas instead of awww-stralians?
me: when I was your age, I had to work for everything I had, your generation is just looking for handouts u lazy piece of shit
baby:
If I saw Bigfoot I would simply take a high resolution and focused photo of him
I can’t believe it’s already been 10 zoips since I invented my own system for measuring time.
“people on the internet are so unhinged” no that’s just people in general, the internet is just how you find out
[filling out job application]
Race: Barbarian
Me: *smoking* you were fabulous
Burrito: thank you
Doctor: When he wakes from this coma, we don’t know if he’ll be the same or have brain damage
Me *opening eyes* gonna buy a duck and call it Dan Quackroyd
Doctor: Oh no
Wife: Oh shit he’s the same
One time my dad caught me doing homework and made me eat an entire pack of calculators
This looks like a job for Superman!
-unemployed Superman reading the classifieds
I like my coffee like I like my women: Much, much hotter than I have any business putting in my mouth. And sprinkled with cinnamon.
[date]
ME: do you have kids or pets?
HER: a son and a cat
ME: what are their names?
HER: John & Batman
ME: nice! my son is also named Batman
why is it called godzilla vs kong instead of when hairy met scaly
My organic chemistry class was at 7am and the teacher stressed how important it was for us to get enough sleep… so I slept in class.
Me: When the cocoon hatches, the caterpillar turns into a butterfly.
4-year-old: That’s it?
Me: What did you want it to be?
4: A dragon.
Me: *pooping with the door open*
Olive Garden Mgr: “I know what the slogan says ma’am, we aren’t THAT kind of family.”
I put two pairs of cargo pants in my cargo pants pockets, just in case I need more cargo pants.
Egg nog was invented in Germany back in 1816 when Baron Von Heldebrandt reportedly said “Hey guys, let’s get this custard drunk!”
(Business)
Mike: It’s a sled. I call it the Mikesled.
Bob: I have a better idea.
Being an ipad baby must be soo exciting imagine going from nine dull months in the womb to playing candy crush
you know what ruined my childhood? children
Twinkle twinkle little star,
I want to hit you with a car,
Throw you off a street so high,
Hope you break your neck and die.
Pronounces daughter like laughter because cool dad
I will never sell out my integrity unless I am offered something for it.
Me: what’s your favorite number
Golfer: 4
Hypochondriac: 6
Guy From Memphis: 10
Cannibal: 18
Ballerina: 22
Bargain Hunter: 241