there’s a jehovah’s witness dressed up as a cop who keeps banging on my door, haha nice try buddy
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[gets down on 1 knee]
Babe will you–
“Yeah… Here it is”
[she lends me her phone charger]
Thanks
You can’t choose your family but you can choose a hitman.
I buy mixed berries because I like them, but really I enjoy eating blackberries with raspberries, and imagining that I’m eating the world’s tiniest chess board.
when the next drug dog retires can I have it cause I straight up do not remember where I put this bag
I keep all my crystals charged in case I get stressed out and need to transfer negative energy, and this seems completely sane and normal until I tell another adult human and see the look on their face
My CW said not to drink cows’ milk cuz we’re not cows so now I get why she drinks almond milk-she’s nuts.
Friend: I’m surprised to see you eating a salad.
Me: *empties bag of chocolate chips over it*
I once saw someone stare at the McDonald’s menu for 15 minutes before ordering just one cheeseburger with no cheese. So yes, I do believe there are still undecided voters
My sister teaches 1st grade. A boy in her class had a tantrum and screamed “I hate you!” and she gently replied “I know. It doesn’t matter.”
*first day as a pilot*
Me: sıɥʇ ʇɐ pɐq ɯɐ I ou ɥo
throwback to when the car insurance lady asked my mom for front, rear, & side views but she didn’t get the memo..
My daughter got upset when my cat killed a squirrel, so I talked about “the circle of life.” Which made her decide I needed to kill the cat.
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
Oh, you pronounce pecan like “puh kahn”? I always pronounced it “pee can”. Differences in dialects can be so fascinating, right? Well, anywho, that’s what your husband choked on.
Me: *finishes my dope hula hoop routine
Judge: Still guilty.
Dead sexy!!
[English class]
Her: I’m never sure how to properly use a colon
Me [trying to impress her]: *poops*
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
Sometimes I think we are capable of great things as a species, but then I notice how many people can’t put their shopping cart away.
Every Red Hot Chili Peppers song has a part where it sounds like they’re trying to guess words for a crossword puzzle.
My mom on the phone: “Hi hon, how’s your libido?”
Vertigo. She meant my vertigo.
Don’t drive me crazy… unicycle me there. Show some originality, man!
The Macarena began playing through the dental office speakers as I lied helpless with the hygienist’s hands in my mouth today. #survivor
[me narrating a documentary about the pyramids]
I really want a Toblerone for some reason.
dvd? why are the Ds fighting??
Boss : Why Are You Late?
She : Heavy Traffic
Boss : Is that my fault?
She : Did I Blame You
My dad is a superhero. But without a costume because costumes are expensive and do you think he’s made of money?
Sometimes I have hope for future generations, but then I watch a high school student pick a booger on a Zoom call.
Person: trust me, I know a thing or two
Me: (untrustingly) that’s really not an impressive number of things to know