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If, by chance, I ever overthrow a government in an English speaking country, my first act as new leader will be to un-silence the p in coup.
3 yr old: I love lemonade, I’m so excited, I’ve never tried it
-the mind of a toddler is a mysterious place
Hey everyone, I’m ABSOLUTELY obsessed with this new web series I’ve been marathoning where I non-stop refresh a worldwide coronavirus counter
If you are going to microwave your steak in a cast iron skillet, make sure you season the skillet by running it through the dishwasher at least 3 times
i slap your apartment floor and ask you what year it was made. you don’t understand so i do exactly the same thing again
My husband’s favorite snack while we watch tv is whatever makes the most noise, apparently.
Playing ‘chef’ with my 7yo, he poured me an imaginary beer and said “the beer is always free here,” in case you’re looking for the best make-believe restaurant in town.
Funny Quote of the Day: “If your parents never had children, chances are… neither will you.” – Dick Cavett
[ bad kitty ]
me: cut it out
cat: ?
me: stop it
cat: ?
me: knock it off
cat: now we’re talking
11: Dad, what’s your spirit animal?
Mine’s a tiger.Me: Remember that chubby mouse named Gus in the baby-tee from Cinderella?
11: …
“Wait, the video is almost over!” – any kid with 17 minutes left on their video
Fitness guru just tweeted “remember to breathe” and it was pure luck that I got the message in time.
A lady got off the train so I finished her crossword. Turns out she’d just gone to the toilet and now she’s back and she hates me.
Not to be racist but all of my kids sound the same on the phone.
Roses are red,
Change comes with the tide
Any time my wife brings up home renovations I just mention installing a urinal and suddenly we’re not talking about home renovations any more
When I pretend to know what I am talking about when I have to go car shopping.
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
Exoskeleton: how a skeleton signs a Valentine’s Day card
I made the obviously poor decision to only eat half of my burrito and now the other half won’t stop staring at me
All I’m saying is adults don’t tiptoe nearly as much as Saturday morning cartoons led me to believe.
Batman: Damn! Someone needs me!
Date: That’s not the bat signal!
Batman:
Date:You’re just doing shadow puppettry on the wall with your hands
Fact if it’s mother is trapped under a car, baby adrenaline gives a baby the super strength of eight babies. But that’s not enough babies!
Sci-fi is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this and fantasy is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this
“I wanna know who is responsible for this!”
-Me to my parents, while pointing at myself.
[at the zoo]
HER: look at that leopard
ME: beautiful
HER: what do you suppose it’s thinking?
ME [so loud]: gunter glieben glauchen globen
Give your kid a bowl of chips, and he’ll eat for a few minutes. Let him dump out a bag of chips in the car, and he’ll eat for a whole week
Alexa; make it look like an accident
DR.: you’re going to feel a little bit of pressure. Ready?
ME: yes
DR.: your sister is younger but already has a career path & owns her home