Accidentally texted “Olay” instead of “Okay” and now my text has a smooth, youthful look.
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Body by sandwich.
So many people say “if my memory serves me correctly” and I’m actually quite shocked at the amount of servants named Memory…….
My kids just deliberated over which pumpkins to pick at the patch for longer than I deliberated whether to get pregnant with them.
Not an. Officer sitting next to me …. Now I can’t drink my… er.. water
On average most people gain 7 pounds during the holiday season. So, looks like I’m way ahead of schedule.
If you held a gun to my head and forced me to choose Tobey Maguire’s Spider-Man or Andrew Garfield’s, I’d probably shit my pants.
I won’t believe in God until “Thou shalt puffeth, puffeth once more and passeth to your neighbor” becomes a Commandment.
imagine bumping into someone on the street and all the money in ur checking account flies out of ur body and litters the ground disappearing after mere seconds never to return. this is what life is like for sonic the hedgehog every day
I can’t figure out why my son hates me.
Tim hates you?
No, my other son. I can’t remember his name. I just call him “not Tim”
Dumbo is a flying mammal and therefore a bat.
I bet the person who named the fireplace also named the waterfall
ME: babe i don’t think the acid we dropped is working
GIANT BLUE OX: are you sure
I once challenged Snoop Dogg to a rap battle and the loser had to change their name.
Little straws like capri sun but for Taco Bell hot sauce packets.
We’re way too stupid in our 20’s to be picking life partners
I waited for so long at the doctor’s office that by the time they called me it was time for my follow-up appointment.
Everybody at the party got upset when Baby Jesus turned the wine into breast milk.
Just told my kids they had to share. Now they are dressed in long blacks wigs singing if I could turn back time.
Six Flags: *opens first theme park
Five Flags: We should have seen this coming
Time flies when you throw your alarm clock out the window.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Shawn: Prawns
Shaun: Prauns
Sean: Preans
What do you mean there’s no cash prize for being the first guy in the neighborhood to shovel his driveway?
Getting to know someone is a lot like making toast; don’t do it in the bathtub.
Daughter’s math homework: Provide an example of
a) a real number
b) an imaginary numberDaughter:
a) the number displayed on Dad’s bathroom scale
b) the weight listed on his driver’s license
[two coworkers walk into my office]
Coworkers: Hey! It’s your two favorite people here to ask you a question!
Me: Where?
If Edgar Allen Poe didn’t have a cat named Poepurry, then I question him as a writer.
At a red light:
Me: *turns to face car next to me*
*rolls down window*
Guy: *looks*
Me: *loudly sings song*
*dances*
G: *panicked look*
Doctor: Describe your headache.
Me: She’s about 5’8″, blonde, and the mother of my children.
[on Ferris wheel]
ME: This is going great.
MY DATE: This is so weird.
UBER DRIVER: Let’s get cotton candy next.