There’s a tornado warning and we’re about to hop into our blow up pool. If you see us fly by, please don’t hesitate to say hello.
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I was abducted by aliens. They made me wash my hands, clean my room, and eat my vegetables.
Turns out I was on the mothership.
It’s very important, every few days, to take a break from social media walk outside and throw up on people in person.
“I’ll vote for a Democrat when hell freezes over.” — Texas Republicans
“Deal.” — Mother Nature
Me: Do the dishes.
10-year-old: That’s the worst possible thing you could say to me.
Me: Do the dishes all week.
Why are gifts in airports so expensive? God’s punishing you for waiting until the flight home to buy your wife a gift.
*contemplates closet full of sweater vests* Okay, so I misjudged what to panic buy.
I asked 100 women which shampoo they preferred?
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The top ans was
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GET the hell outta of my bathroom!
BUFFALO: I was only a kid. I showed Dad my report card. He smiled, hugged me and said ‘good bison’. I never saw him agai…oh, ok I see now
Me: What kind of stupid phone you got there?
Him: Windows phone
Me: Oh [takes it and lobs it out the window] Yes it is
Some folks age like a fine wine. Meanwhile, Im aging more like a soggy cardboard box.
*bird watching*
Me: “Is that a Dark Blue Wrangler up there in that tree?”
Friend: “A Dark Blue Warbler? Never even heard of that. Where?”
*I point to where I saw it, but it’s too late. The pair of jeans has already been spooked, and majestically flies off into the sunset.*
“I’m so hungry I could eat a-”
*walks by burger joint*
“nope, had one yesterday”
*walks by hot dog stand*
“closer”
*walks by stable*
“HORSE”
[boarding plane]
ME: Shotgun!
COPILOT: Can he do that?
PILOT: Looks like you’re in economy today, Ted.
COPILOT: *clenching fists* Damnit.
When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.
I hope I don’t ever have to provide an alibi because I’ll tell the truth but it will sound unbelievable, like: “At 4pm on Thursday? Oh that’s when I was posting a photo of an armadillo.”
Dear teenage kids of mine,
When you tell me that I’m embarrassing you, I think back to all those toddler years when you embarrassed me.
So I’m going to keep dancing in the aisles of the grocery store and singing in the car with the windows down because that’s karma!
You must first feel comfortable in someone else’s skin before you can feel comfortable in your own.
–Psycho Therapy
I finished 3 books today. Believe me, that’s a lot of coloring…
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I open a bottle of some condiment when there’s already one open.
Unless you have stellar reflexes, throwing a bouncy ball at your spouse during an argument is not the best choice.
Why is it when you tell someone you had a dream about them they assume sex? Like no dude, I killed you
The lady behind me in the drive-thru honked impatiently so i paid for her order. When she pulled up to the 1st window to pay, her expression was priceless. Then I picked up both orders at the 2nd window and drove away
FB post from HS friend on pic: My boyfriend is such a dreamboat!
My comment: So was the Titanic.
If you can’t take me at my most inappropriate, you don’t deserve me the other 3 days of the year.
My kids didn’t follow me into the bathroom so now I’m scared to leave and find out what they got into instead
GOD: This one is a giraffe.
ANGEL: That’s a long neck. They must make loud noises-
GOD: They have no vocal chords.
ANGEL: Dude… come on
Both my wife and I work from home. She treats me as a colleague despite us doing completely different roles in very different industries. She keeps bouncing ideas off me to which I nod along helpfully. No idea what she’s talking about.
if u told me 20yrs ago that we’d have a black prez w/ the middle name Hussein, I’d have kept playing w/ my ninja turtles cuz I was 9 in 1993
Is it cheating to ask the Ouija board for Worlde answers?
One time my dad caught me smoking an e-cig so he took me out to the shed and made me smoke an entire VCR.