Them: We’ve made this idiot proof
Me, an idiot: *Immediately screws it up*
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when your spouse’s phone rings & they go to the other room to answer it
instead of eating lunch I just ate a bunch of olives so ….. yet again …..
me: *wistful* what if you could go back in time and relive a delightful meal with a loved one?
him: is it leftovers again?
me: it’s leftovers again.
welcome to Olive Garden! when you’re here, you’re family. sit up straight. have you gained weight? why can’t you be more like your sister
“Friends” ended in 2004 and had a reunion this week, which means the cicadas think it was on the whole time
If I were trapped in a pit by a psychopath who wanted to make a suit out of my skin, I would simply not put the lotion on my skin until there was enough hose water to float out.
Me: when I say WAF you say FLES, WAF—
My kids: so is breakfast almost ready or what, you’re literally killing us
COW: I’m constipated
DR DOG: when was ur last bowel moooo-vement lol
C: ur doing puns right now?
DD: gonna milk this for all its worth lmao
Don’t key “You’re so cool” into the side of a police car while cop is still in the car.
Don’t ask me how I know this.
Me: *pointing gun at husband*
Husband: are you kidding?? he’s obviously the fake
Obvious Evil Clone: *stroking hideous goatee*
Me: but he does all of the laundry
Husband: oh no
My phone autocorrected my name to shark and now I hate my parents for not calling me shark
I only let students whose parents schedule a conference with me, and then don’t show up, chose a kazoo from the prize box.
I started writing a joke about Harry Houdini. But the punchline escaped me.
#IHaveJustEnoughMoneyTo pay my phone bill so I can call my credit card company to tell them I don’t have money to pay them.
Marie Kondo: Ask yourself if it sparks joy?
Me: [looks at daughter’s bedroom and throws the entire room out]
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to five, I can hit the nine-minute snooze three more times and only be five minutes late.
haunted house: get. out.
me: (telling spicy gossip) right?
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
Gang initiations from the Midwest be like “you have to eat the entire potato salad”
*tree falls in the forest*
*tree pretends to start jogging so it doesn’t look like an idiot*
This bicyclist in front of me sure dresses like he could be pedaling faster.
DATE: dessert?
MY BRAIN: im full
MY STOMACH: i want food
DATE: one piece of chocolate wont hurt
MY DOG: THAT MAN IS TRYIMG TO KILL MY OWNER
UPDATE: My wife’s resolution to yell at the kids less has just taken a very bad turn.
Inception (2010) – Five men and one woman plot to nap on a plane.
excel: ope you don’t need that leading zero right
me: yes. that’s why i typed it th-
excel: there you go we’ve cleaned up all leading zeros
me: i need tha-
excel: zeros are icky
God: you’re a seabird.
Puffin: can I fly?
God: oh course you can fly you’re a bird aren’t you?
Puffin: oh good.
God: omg can you even imagine being a bird that can’t fly?
Puffin: I know right? lol.
Penguin: [under breath] don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry.
in case you thought I was an intellect know that I almost threw away a carrot because it touched the ground
Hey, we never talked in high school!
Let’s be Facebook friends so we can once again never talk!
JUST LIKE OLD TIMES!
My dog understands four words: his name, food, outside and Antidisestablishmentarianism.