I’m the smart one, the funny one AND the good looking one.
*must be why I’m single
You Might Also Like
ME *rings wife* should I get one bagel or two?
WIFE: Two!
ME: Ok *nods at tattoo artist* so one on each arm
abolish “let me know if you have any questions” in emails
if someone has a question, I do not want to know
[Opportunity knocks]
Me: I’m not answering. You should’ve sent a text first.
Someone just posted that they baked some synonym rolls. So I said, “Just like grammar used to make?”
Now I’m blocked 😅🤣😂
Me: *petting my cat*
My cat: yes, this is great. Ok stop. I said stop. YOU HAVE VIOLATED THE SACRED TREATY THAT HAS EXISTED BETWEEN MAN AND FELINE FOR A THOUSAND GENERATIONS AND NOW YOUR HAND WILL BE DESTROYED BY MY PAW KNIVES.
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
Parent’s curfew with each child:
1st child: “be home by 10!”
2nd child: “alright you can stay out until midnight”
3rd child: “as long as I see you within 3-5 business days I honestly don’t care what time you’re home”I’m not mad ur mad
i turned 40 and suddenly i can’t see shit if i drive at night and it’s raining. Is the lane still there? Idk. Did the road disappear? Idk. Am I even on the road anymore? Nope.
[Interview room]
Me: I’m not saying a word without my lawyer presentCop: You ARE the lawyer
Me: So where’s my present?!
My dog is doing Saturday right by staying in bed until 1pm and shooting me a disapproving look every time my chores wake him up.
I don’t have many steadfast rules in life, but one of them is to always decline grated cheese from anyone with band-aids on their knuckles
I grew up before google, and as a kid I didn’t know bread was slang for money. Spent my childhood wondering why they put bread in Billy Joel’s jar.
[first day in the Mafia]
Me: I’ve taken care of your wife as you asked
Boss: great, where is she? Did she have a nice time?
Me: oh no
a duck was about to cross the road when a chicken came running up and said… don’t do it man … you will never here the end of it!
Moved my clocks forward and they fell off the shelves
Sometimes my views are right wing, sometimes left, it just depends where I’m sat on the airplane.
*sets down half eaten bag of potato chips on the elliptical*
Do you realize that if real women had the same proportions as Barbie they’d be only 11.5 inches tall?
My dog plays tug of war in a ‘keep it, you want it more than me’ fashion.
Sorry I didn’t do something sooner, I just couldn’t tell whether you were choking or beatboxing
I got a locket as a present, but I haven’t changed the stock photos in it yet. Currently I have been walking around with a baby and a dog I don’t know around my neck.
Neighbor’s newborn won’t stop crying. Typical Taurus.
Whenever I’m in a waiting room full of miserable looking people, I really regret not bringing my ukulele.
I don’t always sit on a throne of lies, but when I do it’s while searching the cupboards with my child for a snack I know I ate.
I’m not sure which is a gentler way to wake me up; my 2yo or walking barefoot through a pile of glass shards.
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
Our parenting style can best be described as:
Bad cop,
Bozo cop
the time my hedgehog fell into the Chuck E. Cheese ball pit
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me check
*laptop blows away*
Pretty close.
It’s frowned upon to loudly laugh in Hawaii.
You have to keep it to a low ha.
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts #DadJokes