I consider anything that doesn’t fit in the dishwasher to be for one time use.
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A friend was talking about her cat bringing her another dead mouse and my ADHD brain did a side quest imagining my snake calling a cat for Door Dash.
Me: *tied up*
Guy: *hits my kneecap*
M: I’m not a rat!
G: Bring in her sworn enemy!
G2: *tosses Rubik’s Cube at me*
M: Oh god no! I’ll talk!
In store checkout behind beautiful woman in sleek black dress. She’s buying tequila and a quart of motor oil.
Sure like to know that story
I hate when I toss some cold pizza in the microwave, check Twitter real quick and when I come back I’ve missed 3 mortgage payments.
“The truth is out there” yes and that’s why I stay inside
My 3yo is wearing a hoodie backwards and is storing snacks in the hood and I am in amazement that I created something this magnificent.
“I don’t want to see the movie until I read the book first” is why I’ve never watched a movie in my life
PSYCHIC: I can feel a spirit in this house.
ME: Is it saying anything?
PSYCHIC: Yes, your car warranty is about to expire…
Me: Can you hear me?
Ouija board: Y-E-S
Me: Is it hard to hear me with all the updog?
Ouija board: I-W-I-L-L-M-U-R-D-E
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
all these boys want a goth girlfriend but don’t study the moves of one gomez addams.
[giving a eulogy for my doctor]
ME: im very sorry that i ate all of those apples
“Can I borrow your charger?”
Me: Sure. *offers keys to my pristine 1969 Dodge Charger Daytona*
“I meant for my iPhone.”
Me: Oh, hell no.
I was on the fence about starting a new diet, but then the fence broke.
[text]
Me: Where are you?
Boy: home
Me: Let’s verify that. You have 3 minutes to send me a photo of the inside of our freezer.
-first day at NASA-
colleagues: 5, 4, 3, 2, 1
me: do you guys do this in every elevator
Not only was my brother not mad when I backed into his Porsche, he even invited me camping and said to bring a shovel. Whew!
*kicks house door down* I SAID HAVE YOU ACCEPTED JESUS INTO YOUR LIFE?
[restaurant]
DATE: Tell me something naughty about youME [loudly chewing lobster] I haven’t brought any money
Son: Sometimes I wish I was a triceratops!
Me: *imagining being crushed by a meteorite* Me too buddy
I never feel more productive than when I’m watching cleaning videos.
I just saw a commercial for a drug called Dupixent and in the commercial the voice over actually said “Do not take if you are allergic to Dupixent.”
That awkward sexual tension when everyone leaves the kitchen and you’re left all alone with a chocolate cake.
[after bowling]
Me: that was fun
Date: you whispered “bowling” every time you rolled the ball
Me: it helps me aim
[later in bed]
Me: *whispering* bo-
Her: -no
Why cotton swab companies haven’t used “just the tip” as an advertising slogan yet is beyond me.
So, wearing fur is wrong but wearing a Hawaiian shirt is OK? Do they even know how many Hawaiians had to die to make that shirt?
We named our beautiful daughter after my mother.
Passive Aggressive Psycho turns 22 this year!
*gf making spaghetti*
Me: can I get a side of garlic clove with my garlic bread?
Gf: that’s it. You’re not gettin’ any tonight!
Me: sex or clove?? Please say sex, I really need that clove..
God: *creates pinky toe* Whatcha think?
Angel: It’s cute. But what’s it for?
God: *creating furniture* You’ll see…
I can’t believe “still uses Winamp” is a pre-existing condition now. This feels personal.