*signs up for PayPal because it sounds like having a friend*
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instead of a movie based on a book, they should make a movie based on two books, like The Babysitters Fight Club
Pig: will we be friends forever?
Winnie the bear: no
Pig: friends until we die?
Winnie the bear: friends until I learn how to make sausages
[taco bell 2am]
*lethally stoned*
me: “nine cheesy crunchy chupacabras”
Undercover cop at a beauty salon: I’ve been made, over
MY KID: I’m ready to go I just need to get my shoes on
ME: *visibly ages*
People out there are trying to contact the dead and you’re telling me you can’t text back?
[about to stay the night at a friend’s house]
Friend: The shower controls are tricky. First, you pull the big handle toward you, then you turn it counter-clockwise to the two o’clock position. Next, you turn the small handle clockwise until—
Me: I’ll just stay in a hotel.
“I’m so pissed I could punch a ba-”
“A what?” Big Baby from Toy Story 3 hovers over me, sawed-off shotgun in hand.
“A bagel. I HATE carbs.”
If it wasn’t for my mil gifting me tons of bath & body works lotion I wouldn’t be able to survive the zombie apocalypse
Zombie 1: smells like peach blossom wine party
Zombie 2: no brains here
If I could live vicariously through someone, I would pick someone who gets to sleep through the night.
10: Dad, what’s a cliffhanger?
Me: Well, son …
[to be continued]
Pain medication got me itching to operate heavy machinery in the dark
When someone says you are so lazy
My mom always has these great sayings for life, like “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch” and “Everybody hates you.”
I can’t touch my face so I’ve been letting the cats apply and remove my makeup. They’re getting pretty good at it.
People are like, “How cute! Your dog looks just like you!” I’m like, “That’s my son.”
Just because something’s vegan doesn’t mean it’s cruelty-free. For example, my ex-girlfriend
[holstering a comically oversized mallet]
I’m a firm believer in the healing power of cartoon violence.
How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..
Him: I’ll pay for dinner.
Me: I want to pay.
Him: I’ll feel better if you let me pay.
Me: Well, if your health is involved, go ahead…
Curiosity gave the cat slightly high blood pressure but nothing to be concerned about.
Distance is my jam, solitude is my peanut butter.
If you ever go backpacking in the wilderness, be sure to wear corduroy pants, so you can start a fire if needed.
Your Honor, my client argues that juggling chicken nuggets while driving is actually a skill.
Always get double toppings on take out pizza so you can eat one of the toppings off as an appetizer during your drive home.
People look at you funny when you put things in their cart at the store.
Whenever I read the word “female” on twitter, in my head I pronounce it like “tamale”.
9y/o~poking finger on my face.
Me(yelling)~dont touch me with your finger
Later~glad he got loophole now what to do with a foot on my face
A man offered to help me put my groceries in the car & I was all like, “Nice try, Ted Bundy.”