Hey girls, you are not a “mommy” just because you own a dog. You have to have a kid to be a mommy. If you are a mommy, then I am a dragon.
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It’s a plant shaped like an egg.
EGGPLANT!
It’s a place where we make fire.
FIREPLACE!
Diving in the sky.
SKYDIVING!Humans are creative.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog “NO!” and then more quietly, “We talked about this!”
A COWORKER BROUGHT HER INFANT INTO THE OFFICE LET’S ALL CROWD AROUND AND TERRIFY IT. -women
Good things about drinking on the plane:
1. You don’t have to drive.
2. No matter how much you drink, they can’t throw you out.
receiving reports today that there are “some men” who sit to pee. these men are not real men. real men lie down.
“Hot damn!” – the Nazi’s probably after their dams were destroyed.
I don’t know; I’m not a historian. It’s just an educated guess.
Kylo: I need an N to finish my favorite Vader quote.
Han: This is SpaghettiOs, not Alphabet Soup.
Kylo: Great. Now Vader says, “OOOOOOOO!”
Curious that it’s always a female computer voice that calmly announces self-destruct sequences and other violent disasters.
HIPSTER COP: *into radio* “We’ve got a 13-88 in progress…it’s a pretty rare crime, you probably wouldn’t know it”
PERSON: “You don’t have kids!? How old are you?”
ME: “31.”
P: “That surprises me. I’d be lost without my kids. I mean, how do you find meaning in life?”
M: “Marvel keeps coming out with films… so I have that.”
Me: And then, for absolutely no reason, they changed the stars to hearts! We were all so mad
Syrian Refugee: omg please send me back
Keep your marriage fresh by taking a scenic drive so you can argue with a beautiful view.
no i don’t want to allow notifications from your online publication. no one HAS ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication and no one WILL ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication. weirdass
You’d be surprised how much of parenting is reminding your children not to eat soup with their hands.
The only thing I know about Downton Abbey is that everyone looks as if they smell like the bottom of my Nana’s purse.
I do not want a robot dog. I do want some sort of high-speed Wi-Fi router mobile hotspot installed in my current dog
I’ve been using special shampoo and I’ve noticed my hair is stronger, it benched 240lbs the other day
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: Have you considered just letting a homeless man sleep on your couch, instead?
A great way to end small talk is by saying “you’re not real, you’re not real.”
I don’t know what his crime was, but he seems like my kind of people.
If you don’t like someone, set them free. If they come back, use pepper spray.
#milo
“There’s a clown hanging over you.”
“You mean cloud.”
“I wish I did.”
“Dammit.”
A web shooter like Spiderman would have so many uses, like I could grab the chips without leaving the couch.
McKay Coppins:
My wife and I got back from voting and found our 5yo in tears that she didn’t get to come. So I took her to the polling place and gave her a little patriotic talk about America and democracy.
On the way back she told me she thought mom had said we went “boating.”
rewatching the dark knight and im crying at how harvey dent ain’t know it was the Joker until he took off the mask 😭😭
We should double tap 2020 to make sure it’s really dead
My gf 1 month in: haha OMG I love your Twitter. I definitely don’t think it’s weird, it’s so clever!
My gf 2nd month: listen
[news anchor]
“New study shows that sex can lower blood pressure.”
Me: Did-
Wife: Your blood pressure is fine