—Never bring a knife to a gun fight.
—I have to bring a gift to this thing? I barely know these people.
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I think my wife’s angry with me but it’s hard to tell coz she’s pretty blurry and one of us is slurring a lot
uncle dave has been through hell
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
I don’t dress for women. I don’t dress for men. I dress for the weather, mainly.
It’s hard eating this ramen with chopsticks. The broth keeps spilling on the steering wheel.
Me when the waiter asks if there’s room for dessert
Adulthood is when sleeping in is an acceptable birthday present.
Me: I can’t even tell you how much I hate people.
Twitter: Yes you can.
See?! THIS is why we don’t invite Elsa to the lake house in the summer….
My kid needs me to help him with a report on any famous black scientist. Can we do Dr. Dre?
take the quarantine challenge!
come out the other side with the same number of children you had going in: don’t make any new ones,
don’t lose any on purpose in the woods
Me: preparing dinner
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: *sorry, I forgot to include the asterisk*
Her: Hello?
*pregnant wife wakes up*
I think my water broke
*I hide the Kool-Aid packet and water jug I spilled in bed*
Let’s go to the hospital
*cop pulls me over*
Have you been drinking?
No I-
*water bottle now full of wine*
*officer lowers shades. its Jesus*
No one will believe you
*bangs toe*
*never calls toe again*
My pet toddler is scratching at the door again.
Me: *shoots gun*
Cop: you’re under arrest for murdering a gun
My toddler helped me clean by picking up and eating the trail of Cocoa Puffs he left on the floor and I’m going to allow it because I really need the help.
12: This apple tastes funny.
Me: That’s because it’s a peach.
Also me: Starts spending 12’s college fund.
Why is it wealthy people can refuse to pay their bills and suffer no consequences, but if I don’t pay my electr
kids are so chill, they never force you to eat vegetables, like their adult counterparts
Wife: can you please rinse your hair off the soap?
Me: that’s not my hair.
Wife: then who’s hair is it?
Me: omg it’s a full moon.
Wife: so?
Me: *whispers* weresoap.
When I picked up my 5yo from school, she had on a construction paper hat that she made. I asked if it was a jellyfish. The joy in her eyes slowly turned into disappointment, “it’s a spider!” I failed her.
“Dark Side Tech Support.”
“Hi. My hand lightning won’t work. The hate’s flowing thru me, but nada.”
“Try turning the hate off & on again.”
Me: *looking at an antique rocking chair* I like this. What do you think? I might get it.
Son: Annnnnd now we’re haunted. Again.
Roses are red, violets are fine, I’ll be the 6 if you’ll be the 9.
The people who choose the “healthier option” at McDonald’s get a bad wrap.
just wait til i figure out what algorithm means
You have to sit up to drink coffee in bed. I know that now.