people are doing cold plunges and i’m like, when i take a bath the water is so hot you could boil pasta in it.
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Caught my son on an archaeology website looking at dirty pitchers.
NASA has no chill
My 4yo: *tiptoeing down the hallway 3 minutes after I tucked him in like he does every night.*
Me: *shouting from couch,* Go to bed!
4yo: *peeking head around the corner, surprised,* How did you know it was me?
“Don’t take this the wrong way”
Translation: Prepare for insult.
“What’s your greatest strength?”
Shadow puppetry
“Seriously?”
[interviewer presses intercom button] “Pat, please bring a flashlight in here”
Payday: BUY ALL THE THINGS!!
Day Before Payday: I would like to pay for this taco in pennies.
My five stages of waking up:
1)Denial
2)Denial
3)Denial
4)Denial
5)Extreme hostility
Don’t touch my nutella with your banana.
I’ve retired from twitter to devote more time to being an email unsubscriber.
7 A.M.: I will only eat the wholesome low-calorie whole grain cereal with skim milk.
MIDNIGHT: Where are the chocolates? I must have more chocolates!
me: dating sucks, lot of weirdos out there
me on dates: hey i had three beers before you got here do you believe in ghosts
(Sigh)
I used to float like a butterfly and sting like a bee.
Now I sleep like a bear and eat like a horse…
KFC suspends iconic ‘finger lickin’ good’ slogan amid coronavirus fears
8 PM- “Tomorrow, when I wake up, I’m going to make an actual breakfast with eggs, toast, bacon, & hash browns”
8 AM- *grabs cold pizza from the fridge*
as a teen: secretly drinking in the park with friends.
as an adult: secretly drinking in the park with squirrels.
Me, an intellectual: A spam and banana sandwich would be called a spamananawich.
My clothes aren’t wrinkled i have an iron deficiency.
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
Aging is the worst. I miss the good ol’ days when my pain was strictly emotional.
Damn CVS sales receipts got caught in the wind
For the last time I said CAULK, I need black CAULK.
This isn’t funny, what isle is it in
Me: Necessity is the mother of Invention
Necessity (my wife): I still can’t believe I let you talk me into naming her that
Invention: *crying*
*writes in climate’s year book “Best of luck. Don’t ever change!”*
The Church used to teach that all babies that die go to Limbo, but it was easy for them because they’re so short.
If I yell loud enough I can turn this whole game around.
– dads at kids’ basketball games
Passed a homeless guy begging on the sidewalk. Had a twenty in my pocket and asked myself “Do I want this twenty to be used for drugs or alcohol?” I thought “Absolutely not.” So I gave it to the homeless guy.
I still remember the childhood pain of having to wear a sweater over my Halloween costume, so don’t say I don’t know tragedy.
Whoever is responsible for “tear here” that doesn’t work, I will find you.
“Why would you want to live in the Matrix instead the richness of reality, doesn’t make any sense,” I mutter as I reach for my phone immediately after waking up.
my neighbor is SO SWEET she somehow decided all of us neighbors on both sides love wind chimes SO MUCH she bought wind chimes for her backyard