Already cringing thinking of the number of holiday cards that will be sent this year of families wearing coordinated facial masks.
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And no thanking Jesus unless he actually shows up at the ceremony
Texans can’t comprehend vegans. We just think their barbeque grills are broken.
Me: uh oh someone’s under the mistletoe!
Raccoon I’ve cornered in the garage: [hisses angrily]
It is important not to say “be careful” to a toddler as they will interpret it as a challenge and things won’t end well
My husband got new earbuds. Think I’ll skip the middle man and put them straight in the washing machine.
I’m cat sitting for my daughter, and she sent me three pages of instructions, along with a video tutorial. Anyways, what’s a cat? She never specified that part.
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
Winters, when your handwriting turns out the same no matter which hand you use.
Yes, the 5:00 whistle! I’m so excited I’m going to yell a catchphrase of some sort and slide right down the tail of an unidentified dinosaur on my way to clock out!
I just yelled ‘Jayden’ at the mall and now I’m a mom to like 20 kids.
The only drawback to having your groceries delivered is now an unknown number people know my cake habits.
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
living with roommates is fun because you get to learn what their parents think should be refrigerated
triple bad room means you have to sleep with the owner’s grandma. who likes her feet rubbed. with butter.
Ok, so maybe the best time to break the news about how many years of school there are was NOT after a rough day at kindergarten.
I used to tell a joke about Lot’s wife. Looking back, it wasn’t a great idea.
“Do you need help with your math homework Billy?”
“Yeah I sure do Dad!”
“Well you’re shit out of luck”
Going down to the deli and standing a little too close to the slicer because haircuts are expensive
What is the best nickname for a nun in heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer was “Nun of the Above”.
Her: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
Me: You do realize I’m your boyfriend right?
Time for evil
Become a parent if you want to be judged by your kids on your ability to provide chocolate milk at any given moment and by other parents for being willing to
Earth: “You’re causing tidal waves!”
Moon: “So?”
Earth: “I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation!”
Moon: “Very funny.”
When comedians die, why does everyone tell them to “make God laugh”? You wouldn’t order a dead carpenter to “make God some bookshelves.”
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
I’m going to replace my uterus with something practical, like a second stomach or a bubble gum machine.
A religious family member literally said “Spongebob goes too far sometimes” and I can not stop laughing.
[police lineup]
Cop: step forward and say ‘boing boing’
Suspect 1: boing boing
Suspect 2: boing boing
Desk lamp: boing boing
Wife of Pixar’s letter i: that’s the one. He killed my husband
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Truth or dare
I:
M:
I:.. Dare
M: I dare you to give me this job
I:(under breath) Damn she’s good
Sometimes, I like to establish dominance over my shorter friends by telling them we need to hurry, and then climbing up a staircase, two steps at a time.