I’ve yet to find the village where people help you raise your kids
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He-man has a Masters degree
New guy: I really like your name
Me: Thanks I got it for my birthday
*wraps bacon in bacon wrapped bacon*
When life hands you 3 kids…..
You add the lemons to some vodka and hide in the closet.
Chestnut implies the existence of legnut, armnut, necknut and the much anticipated buttnut.
[funeral]
WIDOW: i—i just cant believe he’s gone
ME: hey [putting my hand on her shoulder] u parked ur car directly behind mine so im stuck
my mom making me talk to relatives
Hand a baby a fork and he looks like a young Poseidon.
Hooking up with your ex is a great way to reassure yourself that dying alone wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.
5pm me: coffee doesn’t even affect me
4am me: I wonder if I can watch all the YouTube
I didn’t really mind the voices in my head until one of them started their own podcast
HIM: So I was talking to our neighbor…
ME: Which one?
HIM: Susan.
ME: …?
HIM: Susan. Tall, dark hair.
ME: …?
HIM: Lives two houses down. SUSAN.
ME: …?
HIM: Has the pug and the golden retriev—
ME: OH, Lizard and Elliot’s mom!
[strip to the waist for my fight club debut]
Opponent: “dude they meant the top half” *walks away*
[I claim victory and retire undefeated]
3 y/o, sobbing : I’VE JUST SWALLOWED MY SUPERMAN TOY!
Me: Ok calm down. I know exactly what you’ve got to do.
3 y/o: what?
Me: You’ve got to search for the hero inside yourself.
I never believed in hypnosis until I spent six straight hours staring at the bakery’s rotating pie display case.
My husband Scott and I don’t have much of a sex life anymore. I’ve been getting off Scott free for years
Hey Dog Walkers, technically, that dog can walk on its own. What it can’t do is pick up it’s own poop. You’re just a poop collector.
Me: *Wishes upon a star* Please, I just want the world to be a better place.
Asteroid: ON MY WAAAY!!!
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
When Squidward lost his job and had to stay with Spongebob and he tried to tell Spongebob the TV didn’t work n Spongebob said THAT’S TWO THINGS THAT DON’T WORK 😭😭😭😭
wife: Feeling better?
me: Yeah
wife: Kind of overreacted to a cold didn’t you?
[flashback to me calling the Make-A-Wish Foundation]
me: No
Watching married couples argue in Bed Bath & Beyond is my Game of Thrones.
Before you storm out of a room, make sure you take your phone.
Got a little bit lost in the woods. I’m putting everything into the clothes hamper in case of tics.
Heck, I’m going into the hamper too.
The next time my middle schooler refuses to acknowledge me in public, I’m giving him a big hug and asking him when his last bowel movement was.
Wife: Honey, you may not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but you are adorable
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …when did we get a shed?
Bladder: I have to go
Laziness: Hang in there, champ
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
Today, we celebrate German copywriters refusing to hire English speakers
DOG: *prancing and enthusiastically wagging*
WIFE: the dog got the mail again
ME: damn, why does she only chew up the ones addressed to me?
WIFE: because she knows you hate bills
ME: …
DOG: *still wagging*
ME: WHO’S A GOOD GIRL?!