A Spanish bodybuilder told me he’s run out of protein powder.
I thought: “No whey, Jose.”
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4yo: Do you want to play pretend?
Me: I already am.
4yo: What pretend?
Me: Shh, you’re not here.
hate playing make believe with little kids. u shoot them with a laser and theyre like “actually i went back in time so it doesnt count”. tf are u talking about. u just casually rip open a hole in the space-time continuum? thats irresponsible as shit pal
My yogurt just moved. Paranormal activia.
[During sex]
Her: That fan of yours is loud and distracting
Me: It helps me in bed
Fan: *clapping approvingly* Yeah bro WORK THOSE HIPS
Why is it then when things are going well we say everything is “peachy”? What elevated the peach above all other fruits to define itself as all that is good? What did it do to deserve such an accolade?
I see you peach, and I’m watching
“Wash your hair. Wash your body.” Some of my best ideas come to me in the shower
A National Treasure where Nicholas Cage has to find the model number on a 15 year old dishwasher.
[undercover FBI agent steps out of his surveillance van, knocks on my front door] do you ever stop eating?
Never marry a girl whose mother’s name is Hope…. because ‘Hope’ never dies.
FACT: Uma Thurman is the only person to ever have been named by someone with a mouthful of food.
My neighbours probably think I’m getting laid, but these are just the sounds I make whenever I take my socks off.
Never reach into a girl’s purse. Anything could be inside, a bear could be in there. You just don’t know.
Cause the players gonna play, play, play, play, play
And the haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate
Baby, I’m just gonna shake their soda
My friend is trying to quit his addiction to marathons. He’s in a 55,000 step program.
The way this woman squealed when getting proposed to is the exact same reaction I had when I found out the restaurant serves 3lb. lobster.
Guy I’m hooking up with: stop telling your friends about us
Me to my friends: anyway then he referred to us as “us”
Trees to oxygen:
“Pfft. Waste product.”
My wife’s favorite position is where I’m bent over the kitchen sink doing the dishes.
My tombstone will probably read
“Of all the dumb things she did, this is the one that got her!?”
You breed dogs? Don’t they do that on their own?
Mother: And where did you see this show?
Kid: I saw it on Hulu.
Mother: *raises disapproving eyebrow*
Kid: *sighs* I saw it on Whomlu.
Jesus: I have to die because of sin
God: Yes
Jesus: Which you created as punishment
God: Yes
Jesus: For eating an apple
God: Yes
Jesus: No
My daughter’s coach described her attack approach as whimsical and gallop-y.
I’m an early bird and a night owl, so I’m basically some form of permanently exhausted pigeon
Got banned for life from McDonald’s for asking the cashier if the Filet-O-Fish was made of Mc-Erel
No sadder relationship dynamic than my baby (absolutely obsessed with my 3yo) and my 3yo (continually tells us to throw her in the garbage)
When I’m mad at someone I say “no pun intended” when there wasn’t a pun and leave them trying to find it.
you see me struggling as i carry a dozen loaves of bread down the street. “that guy must be a chef,” you think to yourself. wrong. baguette fight club
The scene where Indiana Jones swaps the bags and runs from a boulder but it’s me trying to eat a cookie without my kid seeing me
I was only mildly famous in the ’90s but vaccinate your kids