Looking good, Kim! #LNSM
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Next time you kill thousands of innocent people in a disaster, tell the judge you “work in mysterious ways” and see how far it gets you.
Me: hey want to go to sushi?
Her: sure! Wait is this a date or just friends?
Me: well I’m down for a date if you are
Her: I only want to be friends
Me [putting away my special bedazzled, date chopsticks]: haha sounds fair cool cool cool
I have my own version of Whole Foods, where I eat the Whole Pizza, Whole Box of Donuts, Whole Bag of Chips…
AMERICA, EVERY WEEKEND: I just wanna Netflix and Chill lol.
THE WEEKEND EVERYONE NEEDS TO STAY INSIDE: It’s my God-given right to go outside and lick whatever I want.
I don’t like being asked “are you at home?” Please expand further so I can know whether I’m at home or not.
them: how are you
you: [desperately aware that herds are necessary for survival] normal
[at restaurant on 1st date pretending not to be an eel]
Date: The wine is lovely great choice
Me: *helplessly slips off chair*
Friend: Well, the more you know-
Me: The sadder you’ll feel
Friend:
Me: Is that not the phrase?
Friend: It’s annoying that you keep getting it wrong
Me: *crying* Well the more you know
friend: make her feel wanted
me: okay
[later]
me: *tossing photo at table of bounty hunters* this is your target
*4-yr old niece tells me about trip to Empire State Building
Her: It’s so tall, I almost touched the moon!
Me: Oh you are so full of shit!
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around garlic bread” trust me.
Congrats, you’ve been selected for the job
Me: Whats the salary?
10k now and will increase to 25k later
Me: Ok then, I will come later
idk what he going thru but i feel him
No I don’t want your man. I’m not even sure why you want your man.
It’s only August and I’m already tired of watering my plants. Makes me wonder how my daughter has lasted 18 years.
We like the way Dwight thinks
me: I carry a lot of stress right here
masseuse: this is a brain scan
Jesus: I can turn water into wine.
Aquarium: [loud drunken cheering]
Twitter was down earlier. I tried telling jokes on Grindr but it wasn’t as satisfying
My parents think im a virgin. My boss thinks Im an excellent employee. The government thinks Im an outstanding citizen. Where’s my Oscar?
what’s your pitch?
“so this guy steals from the rich…”
ok
“and gives to the poor”
nice. what’s his name?
“Robin…”
haha I love it
“Hood”
wait
Conveniently, the sound from their early Saturday morning lawn mowers covers the noise of my sniper rifle.
I just need to go ahead and admit it.
I’m not mature enough to live in a state called Idaho
sorry I broke up with you in the middle of a corn maze
[sexy librarian removes glasses] nice [removes hair] what [takes off wooden arm] NO [rolls glass eye across counter] um, just this book ok
Twitter: Where if the chemistry’s good, the geography won’t be..
not to brag but i finished this 14 day diet in 3 hours and 38 minutes.
Wife: ” What’d you do today?”
Me: “Tell me what you think I did.”
“shake what ya momma gave ya!”
*starts shaking low self-esteem*