I see your account went private, good luck on the job hunt
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lol so today this bookstore is having what could be its first health & safety inspection in about 258 years and reader I am crying with laughter
they sent a very helpful man who started off super cheery but 1 hour later is acting like he’s trapped in a SAW movie
[panting, 5 minutes into sex] It’s okay, just go on without me
the prophecy has been fulfilled
As a kid my favorite part of the school year was emptying the coat closets that last week. Forgotten clothes. Abandoned book bags. And especially that brown bag terrarium that was once a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
Today’s homeschooling Google searches:
Not now, I’m looking up fun crafts you can make with nuclear waste on Pinterest
I had 13 items in the 12 items or less line, so I just put a banana in my pocket.
bacon might clog my arteries but it lubricates my soul
These aliens are taking forever.
They say white people don’t have their own culture but I just got invited to a gender reveal party for a dog and there’s no way we appropriated that from anyone else.
Are we there yet?…
Don’t forget to contemplate the meaning of life while standing in the cycle lane with your car door wide open today.
The haters said I couldn’t do it. And the haters? They were right. They were correct. They even nailed the small details, frankly it’s amazing
“You know a lot of people think you built the pyramids”
The alien trying to abduct me:
why do you have so much Mayonnaise in your fridge
When you get a “Your Package Has Shipped” notification as soon as a shipping label is created that’s like the business equivalent of sending a “I’m walking out the door now!” text when you just got out of the shower.
Senility is the pits. Spent an hour driving around the mall parking lot looking for my car.
I carry my checkbook with me everywhere just in case someone wants to be paid in the least convenient way possible.
“When I tell you that it’s time to get out of the pool, it means that it’s time to get out of the pool.”
I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo.
How does one answer this?
[Career Day]
Me: Money doesn’t buy happiness. However, it does buy tacos which make me happy. In conclusion, money does buy happiness.
Kids: *raise hands*
Me: I won’t be taking any questions.
I’m just not cool enough for a scooter, I moped.
Dear car commercials,
You probably don’t mean to scare me but “German engineering” is also why I don’t have so many cousins today.
“What are you typing? Let me guess. Oh wait, stop right there, I know what it is. It’s not that? Okay wait.. I know it, I know it!” -Google.
I hate to brag but my family has testified against me in court more than yours has.
Lately I go to the restroom at the movies, but forget where I’m seated then return & just begin a new life in a new seat with a new family.
why are bouquets only for flowers? why not a bouquet of hot dogs. or a bouquet of hot dogs with ketchup. or a bouquet of hot dogs with musta
(understanding 0% of what I’m being told as i’m getting trained for my new job) that all makes perfect sense, no questions
my first real experience with gang violence was the buttercream gang.
I guess if Porky Pig wants to flash someone, he just takes off his bowtie?