Anyone know how to create an Outlook rule that sends every email to junk, deletes it, blocks the sender, and sets my laptop on fire?
You Might Also Like
When a hot chick puts a pen in her mouth, all kinds of weird shit goes through my mind. Like:
-How’s her penmanship?
-Can she do my taxes?
god I wish I was the person I believed I could be when I bought all this produce
*Buys map of world, pins it up on wall*
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Visits the middle of the Atlantic Ocean*
[spider’s junk email folder]
-TURN YOUR WEBS INTO $$$$
-HOT SPIDERS ON YOUR CEILING WANT TO MEET YOU
-TRY THE ULTIMATE 8 LEG DIET TODAY
“I never trust anything from the government!”
*uses highways
Why did I laugh so hard at this 😂
Before you feel flattered that I have a crush on you, please remember that I’ve spent the last hour and a half fantasizing about a sausage, egg, and cheese biscuit.
Interviewer: Have you worked in a fertility clinic before?
Me: No
[nervous because it’s my 1st interview]
Me: But I used to be an embryo
her: well don’t just stand there, say something
me: they should make paintbrushes that look like bob ross
her: i said i’m pregnant matt
me: his hair could be the brush part
im the guy responsible for throwing the chicken in the air for fried chicken commercials. i will never reveal my secret method’s
I hope you prayed for me in church today.
There’s nothing I have going on, I just like the attention.
Thx
SCARECROW: If I only had a brain
DOROTHY: I just want to get back to Kansas
TOTO: It’s gonna take a lot to drag me away from you
I’m not like other girls. I have 1L of butter chicken sauce in my purse
I realized I was maybe not the best listener when a friend had to come out to me twice.
body: you’re dehydrated
me: I literally just drank a glass
narrator: that was 3 days ago
My main goal in life is to become a cooking show judge
Mostly because I like to criticize people while I eat
It’s mom law if your kid orders something delicious you have to taste it to make sure it’s not poisoned.
Forget Botox… if you really want to look younger, get braces.
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
[me on Ellen}
Ellen: so i heard you like to tell people directions
Me: that’s right Ellen
I’m rubber. You’re glue.
I don’t conduct low voltage electricity. You’re great for arts & crafts.
If they cancel the Times Square New Year’s Eve Celebration, I feel bad for everyone who misses out on what everyone I know who’s ever been to it describes as one of the worst things they’ve ever experienced.
Pigeons are the dandelions of the animal kingdom: unappreciated, plentiful, and when you give a bouquet of them to ur mom she won’t like it
[in the park]
Me: Aww I see you have a puppy too…
Her: uh huh, I guess…
Me: [walks off dragging a beer can on a string]
You bring home one goat and suddenly you’re not allowed to go to the farmers market unsupervised anymore.
DATE: I like your shirt.
ME: Well you can’t have it.
Every time I buy vegetables it’s a triumph of hope over experience.
Him: “What should I pick up for the storm?”
Me: “Nachos.”
“I meant essentials. We could be stranded.”
“Ohhhhhh. Then nachos AND vodka.”
Have kids so instead of just having a peaceful morning you can argue with your 3 y/o about why he can’t lock his younger brother outside in the rain.
The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks to hide their identities from all the other walking and talking turtles