Before you decide to have kids, ask yourself: is this apartment goat-friendly?
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God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that plays ping pong
My horny ass could NOT have a banana cleaner 😭
The pottery scene in “Ghost,” except you’re slowly but steadily pushing the other person’s face into the clay.
“Yes officer, *rolling eyes* I know what a traffic light is I passed the captcha test on three tries.”
It’s ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.
Woke up with no money. I was robbed last night by a guy who looks exactly like me, but drunker.
Someone at this party is wearing the same shirt as me. It’s very awkward. How did this happen. We barely even fit in this shirt.
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
Sister: And you definitely know how to do this sawing trick?
Me: Yes of course I…oh no
Half sister: what
I’m sorry for the things I said about you when I was hungry.
People obsessed with how much I bench need to #chill. It’s not like Coke publishes their recipe online for morrons to study.
Heck is a place where people go if they don’t believe in gosh
Happening now: The young lady sitting next to me on the plane sneezed & I said “Bless you” & she thanked me then she immediately sneezed again & I said “You only get one” and oh she did NOT laugh
Whenever I go down the stairs next to an escalator, I always move faster than the escalator to prove to the people I made the better decision
[Using My Shrink Ray]
Me: I feel so small
Ray: *taking notes* Let’s explore that
ME: people only use 10% of their brains
FRIEND: that’s an urban legend
ME: no it’s not. my grandma told it to me, and she lives on a farm
My former boss’s wife posted a photo of their youngest child on Facebook and I commented, “you’re right, he does look just like me!”
And now we wait…
I just had my first pole dancing class. Anyone know how to show this new skill without coming across as a complete whore? No?
Whore it is.
*Beethoven & orchestra take stage*
HECKLER: (chanting) Ode to Joy! Ode to Joy!
Beethoven: –we’re gonna play some new stuff
HECKLER: boooo
I am the human equivalent of a junk drawer. I’ve got everything you need but nothing that you want and good luck finding what you’re looking for.
It hurts? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
It doesn’t hurt? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
– Doctors
The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING.
[At a child’s birthday party, holding a poorly taxidermied possum]
I heard someone likes stuffed animals!
“Welcome to the library, can I help you”
“Yeah I need you to make copies and and find the forms I need from this website and print them and also could I get a pen and an envelope”
“Shall I pick up your dry cleaning too?”
“Oh my gosh do you guys do that, that would be amazing”
The worst thing about dating is bringing a nice guy home after dinner, only to find your husband home early from work.
*pretty girl walks by and doesn’t make eye contact*
She must be intimidated that I manage a fantasy football team that is 8-1
[date]
ME: ur jacket goes well with ur purse
HER: *sits down* see it’s not hard to be complimentary
ME: u mean complementary
HER: *gets up*
homeless guy said “hey there pretty lady, show me that smile, where’s that smile?” and I said “it’s at my house”
realizing i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
[watching This Is Us]
*leaning over to partner*
Me: That is them.