Doctor: It doesn’t look good
Me: What? You haven’t even tested me for covid yet
Doctor: Judging by that outfit you’ve clearly lost your sense of taste
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If you’ve been waiting me to drop a lent tweet, I tried coming up with one and gave up.
roses are black. so is my heart. me and fries. till death do us part.
I’m receiving intel from Irish Twitter ™️ that there are Americans saying they don’t put butter on sandwiches. What are you putting on regular ass ham sandwiches?! If I hear mayonnaise I’m notifying Homeland Security I swear to Christ.
Therapist: It’s all “me me me”. Try to think of others instead
Me: I’ll try[Later]
Me *to murderer* no PLEASE don’t kill uh Paul Rudd
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
*smokes fat doobie*
*enters hotdog eating contest*
*sets Guinness World Record*
*gets disqualified for using performance-enhancing drugs*
If I were God I’d tell everyone that I created the animals and that I don’t know what happened after that.
Sorry I hacked your e-cig. You’ve actually been vaping a dead bird for a month.
Elon literally had the chance to name his kid Melon Musk and he blew it.
“Honey, the baby sure is fussy. Why don’t we go see a movie after we goto a nice, quiet restaurant?”
… then, I hit the salesperson with “do you know who my father is?”, their attitude changed after that
And then God said, “Let there be Black Friday.” and he saw that it was a terrible idea but it was too late cuz people were already in line.
I think the reason giraffes don’t ride in hot air balloons is that their faces would probably get fried off in that flame thing.
good cop: we’ve located the explosives
cop who loves eminem: now this looks like a bomb to me so everybody / stay calm for me
Surely these children should be in bed by now?
– me, anytime after 4pm
my gf: this guy is hitting on me, teach him a lesson
me: ok [to guy] tomatoes are technically fruits
luke: yoda, i wish for…….. your freedom
yoda: i’m not a genie. i’m a person like you. i just look really weird
“Does your dad play any sports?”
“No, my dad hates sports”
*dad walks in*
“Hey there, Sport”
Women,
If you could just go ahead, get a plane & spell it out in the sky for us, that’d be greeeat.
Sincerely,
Men
Me: *Holding a fist full of lit sparklers* How much for the aggressive incense?
People that say, “If you already have a couple of kids, what’s a couple more?” have obviously never had four kids.
Wow, your teeth are white.
Thanks. I’m just curious, what color were you expecting?
Nice try cereal but everyone knows that the real breakfast of champions is three chocolate glazed donuts.
Doing couples therapy by myself to try and get double the help
Here is a little money saving tip that I’ve learned: If you spend all of your money on tattoos, then technically, your money will be with you forever.
A Starbucks was robbed at gunpoint this afternoon. The culprits are still at venti.
Not saying my marriage is bad but I swiped left when I saw my husband on Tinder
Have kids so that you can remind them constantly about something only to have them look at you each time as if this is the first they’ve heard of it.
Just got an email from dominoes said “easy and delicious” they sure know how to talk to a single guy!