It’s like the police helicopter that’s been circling my neighborhood for an hour doesn’t even care about us unemployed people trying to watch TV.
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Posting this on behalf of a friend
Did you ever see someone yawn, and then yawn yourself? That psychological reaction is a phenomenon known as: “Katherine Heigl movies.”
*me talking to a couple* so who’s the 6 and who’s the 9?
Why do people get photo shoots done for newborns? Just find some pictures online they all look the same.
it’s your first day back at work. your boss calls you in. “why aren’t you wearing pants?”
“threw em out” you shrug
you turn to leave but stop at the door. “wait,” you say. “but why aren’t you wearing pants”
“what?” he looks down, confused. “oh, right” he shrugs. “threw em out”
Can’t. Growing Yosemite Sam moustache.
Birthday at 21: Takes 12 different shots from 12 different bars.
Birthday at 37: Takes two different pain relievers because I literally hurt myself sleeping.
Me: I’ll take Glinda the Good Witch because I love shoes, Ursula the Sea Witch so she could silence annoying people for me, and Maleficent because I love to sleep.
Genie: But that’s not…eh, never mind, your witches are granted.
I have pictures of random children in my house. When my kid misbehaves I gently remind him of the brothers & sisters that came before him that are no longer part of the family.
CYCLOPS: How do u spell Hawaii?
WIFE [biting lip] well..u need 2 i’s
CYCLOPS [puts pen down] my life is just a joke to u isn’t it Linda
Marries a mime. Lives quietly ever after.
I just got invited to a zoom baby naming ceremony. If I wasn’t a part of the baby making ceremony I don’t want to be a part of naming it.
Have you ever had to call the landlord to ask for some caulk? How would you word that?
I say ‘tomato’, you say ‘put your hands where I can see them and exit the vehicle slowly’ .
My wife and I toss a coin to settle our arguments. If the coin comes down, she wins, if it stays suspended in air forever, I win.
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
I don’t have ADD. It’s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.
therapist: why do you do that
me: ummm i don’t know babe u tell me
Me: [travels back in time but dies in the vacuum of space because I forgot to account for the earth’s orbit] ope!
Once again, I’ve been asked to bring the bag of ice to the family Thanksgiving dinner.
Women never understand the importance of cords. We NEED to keep all these cords, just in case! What if we run out of cords!
i’m a man written by a woman but that woman has something very, very wrong with her
I told my son if he wants to have company over he needs to clean the house. Either way, big W for me.
Went to see my doctor today and apparently drinking mimosas are not considered a juice cleanse.
Jfc.
I’m starting to think the guy that gave me directions to the train station was just talking to someone on his Bluetooth.
Calling in stupid to work tomorrow
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few hams into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford meat
I’m so confused when the TV voice before a show I’m about to watch says, “For mature audiences only.” Can I watch or not?
I heard my 7-yr old daughter yell out “Cue the battleship!” in her sleep & now I’m jealous because her dreams are a lot cooler than mine.