Me: *petting my cat*
My cat: yes, this is great. Ok stop. I said stop. YOU HAVE VIOLATED THE SACRED TREATY THAT HAS EXISTED BETWEEN MAN AND FELINE FOR A THOUSAND GENERATIONS AND NOW YOUR HAND WILL BE DESTROYED BY MY PAW KNIVES.
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[inventor of the snooze button]
ok, these alarm clocks are pretty good, let’s add something to make them useless
Send a DM to your twitter crush saying “My flight gets in at 6am on Thursday” and see how they react.
911: what’s your emergency?
me: there’s a really loud fight next door
911: we’ll send a narcissist with anger issues and a gun
me: omg thank you
For $60, this printer ink had better be hand squeezed out of endangered squids.
Gecko at McDonald’s crawl through:
I’ll have A Bug Mac, flies & a small snake.
It’s all fun and games until your kids start counting their Halloween candy.
Me: one mcflurry please
Cashier: the machine is down
Me: awe then one for the machine too
Interviewer: Your greatest weakness?
Me: I embezzle.
I:
M: And I’m bad at jokes.
I:
M: And interviews.
Him: Where’d you get that black eye?
Me: My girlfriend gave it to me.
Him: I thought your girlfriend was out of town.
Me: I did too…
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
“Uhm, EXCUSE me, my eyes are out HERE.” — Hammerhead sharks
Doing taxes in the 90s:
Clippy pops up
“I see you’re trying to scam the tax system. Would you like help?”
Bus numbers should be the same in other countries and bring ye to the same places. If I hop on a 27 in Paris I wanna end up in French Tallaght.
What do the Quiet Place aliens do when the 17-year cicadas emerge and start screaming?
i dont know much about politics but have we ever tried turning a senator into a llama and teaming him up with a working guy to teach him empathy
[1999]
“y2k” making us anxious
[2019]
“k” making us anxious
My bag of chocolate-covered espresso beans is empty.
In unrelated news, my daughter is swinging Tarzan-style from the ceiling lamp.
Meat Cute
The full recap of tonight’s events can be heard on my wife’s podcast, “What kind of idiot doesn’t cover the chili before microwaving it?”
me: I’m looking for my wife
cop: can you describe her
me: she’s strong, independent..
cop: but what does she look like?
me: that’s not important
cop: it kinda is
My friend showed me her new vegan pants. I know vegans can be annoying and everything, but should we really be making pants out of them?
My 3yo just straight-faced handed me a mirror and asked if I wanted to see something yucky!
I was up way earlier than normal and I couldn’t find my cat. I walked around the neighborhood and found him being fed by a lady a few houses down. She had a different name for him and everything. He’s been living a double life. I feel so betrayed.
Me: can I get a Coke please
Waiter: we only serve Pepsi here
Me: how about a lemonade then
Waiter: sir… we only serve Pepsi here
[cut to guy at the next table eating a plate of Pepsi]
I was not made for a 9 to 5, I was made to eat pasta and lay in the sun like a lizard
“Go clean up your mansion!!!!!”
-My orthodontist, to his children, probably.
A cat walks into a bar. The bartender laughs and says, “Let me guess, you want a Moscow mew? Or a vodcat martini? Maybe a purry furry daiquiri?”
The cat scowls. “I’ve been working all day, and now I need a real drink, not a silly pun. Shut up and give me a whisker sour.”
Just sayin’ witchdoctors are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between witches and doctors.
HILLARY: i’m sick and tired of these baseless accusations
THE MEDIA: aha! you see?! she admits it! not only is she sick, she’s also tired!
#KarenAndTheCat 😉