You know what they say,
so I won’t tell you.
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i’ll have the chicken finger platter & my lovely wife will have
*hands over coupon
something of equal or lesser value
sometimes you fall asleep with your phone in your hand like you’re a raccoon clutching a hotdog
– my husband, romancing me
Expecting your first baby’s exciting but have you ever ordered a new coffee machine?
Twitter is fun because you can post a pic of pizza and people will get mad at you.
My kid asked what fornicate meant and I panicked and said it meant to hold political office
Have a teen so when she’s five minutes late for Cross Country practice, it’s your fault for driving the “long way.” Nevermind practice started at 6:00, and she got into the car at 6:01. Those details are irrelevant.
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector, and fire is real.
Turns out that “no tear” shampoo doesn’t stop your kid if they’re already crying.
It has come to my attention that I may be the only person in the world that keeps gloves in my glove box.
Got into a bar fight last night about how to pronounce Steve Buscemi’s name. We later shook hands when Buscemi agreed that I was right
ME: don’t involve me in your bullshit
SON: it’s called homework
Remember when the current stupidest thing was the “Gotta Get Down on Friday” song? We didn’t know how good we had it.
I love how girls say that they like a guy with a sense of humour and yet you’ll never find a poster of Mr Bean on their wall.
[Girlfriend looks at me in disgust]
“Did u just propose using emojis?”
…
“Technically its called a propoji, but yes”
[She’s already gone]
My son wants a new iPhone for Christmas and I’m having fond memories of when he couldn’t talk.
Whenever I meet a new baby, I stand still and let it come up to me and smell my hand first before I try to pet it
Headed to the local Memorial Day parade so the boys can get a bunch of candy I’ll be throwing away in 6 months.
Some people come into your life for a reason.
Like for target practice.
Me: a calm, methodical Navy SEAL when I clog my own toilet
Also me: a terrified, incapable, frozen idiot when I clog yours
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
Whoever robbed the archery store, take a bow.
What I lack in drive, I more than make up for in drive-thru.
I’m into all kinds of spirits: the paranormal kind and the drinking kind.
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own food choices.
Review of “grandma”: slow, slow-witted, terrified of technology, can’t bench for shit, no karate, basically racist ★☆☆☆☆
Sci-fi is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this and fantasy is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this
So true for me
How can kids be so dumb and so brilliant at the same time? My son can’t say “oatmeal,” but he calls it “eatmeal” before I serve it and “atemeal” once he’s done.
ME: [knocks on neighbors door] I think I ran over your cat.
NEIGHBOR: What did the cat look like?
ME: *making face like I’m screaming* Like that.
im starting to think mr peanut was the only thing holding the world together