Why does everyone despise us lazy people so much? We didn’t do anything.
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If by prepped for Irma you mean have I eaten all the ice cream before the power goes out then yes I’m totally prepped for Irma.
IF THEY’RE THE GREATEST GENERATION WHY CAN’T EITHER OF MY PARENTS REMEMBER THEIR FACEBOOK PASSWORDS?!
The Flash is lucky because he can run real fast but also because he lives in a world where every problem can be solved by running real fast.
My daughter asked me what a colonoscopy was so I gave her an honest answer. She learned about colonoscopies and I learned I need to be less honest.
This is one for those who have seen certain US TV commercials. 😂
Say what you will about Facebook but when my wife sees posts by my extended family, at least I don’t look so bad.
Dude just wanted a popsicle…
“I’m still a virgin”
-theres plenty of fish in the sea
“Ur right. I’ll find someone”
-no, I mean u should give up & be a lonely fisherman
Making a list of all the people who wrote “Happy Birthday” on my wall without an exclamation point so that I know who’s secretly mad at me.
What’s the most unhinged reply you’ve gotten on here because once I retweeted someone who said garbage dumps should have viewing windows for kids to watch and someone said that was dangerous because the kids might see discarded body parts serial killers threw away in the trash
nobody
literally nobody
my mom to our uber driver: so tell me all about yourself
ROOMMATE: Big date later?
ME: [combs hair] Yes
R: Where?
M: [fixes tie] The woods
R: Is it with a bear again?
M: [dabs honey behind ears] No
5: Can we go outside and play.
Me: I’m sorry but I don’t feel good. I’ve been throwing up.
5: Can’t you just throw up outside?
I bought a new elliptical so that the treadmill wouldn’t be lonely in the dark basement.
“Ok, what shall we call these skewers of food?”
STEVE: How about a Kasteve?
BOB: I have a better idea
So glad I don’t subtweet like SOME PEOPLE.
Hate when Walmart doesn’t have what I need & I have to go home, change out of my pajamas & brush my hair so I can go to Target
Serial killers who work with a partner are called killaborators.
Nobody:
4-year-old: Can I call people peasants at school?
8-year-old: The snow is so pretty.
Me: Yeah, but it makes the roads slick.
8: Why are pretty things always dangerous?
Me: Ask your mom.
Yah I ordered a large pizza but it’s thin crust/ light cheese so basically it’s a salad .
[on Shark Tank]
Me: It’s a combat tank operated by sharks
Investor: Finally someone gets it
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
I love when a pig looks like a disguised quest giving god
If society ever starts using cat puke as currency, I’m set.
Mr. Clean in the streets. Mr. Bean in the sheets.
[in car]
7: mom, who sings this song?
Me: Pink Floyd*5 minutes later*
7: who sings this one?
Me: still Pink Floyd, buddy
If I hug you for more than 3 seconds, I’m probably picking your pockets.
Hotel clerk: May I help you?
Me: Call an ambulance.
HC: What happened?
M: I’m not sure. Someone said calm down and I blacked out after that.
stop telling me to be the bigger person giants are shunned in our society