A bright side to having kids is that if I’m ever trapped in my car I have 3 years worth of half-empty water bottles and goldfish to live on.
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[crime scene]
this is the 3rd footless person hes killed sir
“i guess hes..”
please god n–
“LACKTOES INTOLERANT”
*cops taze him for 8 hours*
ME: [trying to console a friend whose house has been demolished] Cheer up, bulldozing is the sincerest form of flattery
She asked me to buy Tampons so I bought Kotex, because that one time I wanted ice cream and she bought frozen yogurt.
law professor: you’re currently failing your ethics class
me: *slides a $20 across the desk* how about now
“I just wanted to create something that makes a horrible ripping sound. The adhesive aspect was just an accident.”
– inventor of velcro
the pigeons are already plenty salty
Scanned a customer in the eyes with a barcode reader for being rude to me….
…should have seen the look on his face, it was priceless
Unicorn
(ꪀ.) A single piece of corn.
The best way to get me to agree with you is to be attractive.
“40 times.”
“What are you talking about?”
“That’s how much greater my sense of smell is than yours.”
“Okay, so what’s your point?”
“My point is, Dave, we really need to discuss your personal hygiene.”
I still remember the childhood pain of having to wear a sweater over my Halloween costume, so don’t say I don’t know tragedy.
[Super soldier program]
SCIENTIST: We’ve given you an enhanced cybernetic arm.
ME: So I can take pies out of the oven without mitts.
SCIENTIST: More—more for killing people.
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME: But I can also—
SCIENTIST: Yes you can also use it for the pie thing.
I was riding in an Uber with a gay male colleague when his Grindr app notification went off on his phone. The female Uber driver said, “I know that sound – my husband plays that game all the time.”
I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?
“Give a man a fish. Don’t ask why just do it.”
— if your boss wrote proverbs
My sense of smell has been gone ever since the, “smell this leftover ham” incident back in 2004.
I taught my 4yo niece to play poker today. It got pretty cutthroat, & I’m now the proud owner of a Barbie Dream house & her entire Hatchimal collection.
At this point making life choices involves liquor and a dart board.
Camels: Can drink 100 liters of water at once and go a full week without rehydrating.
Me: Drinks a thimbleful of water an hour before bedtime and wakes up to pee eight times.
If you come to my house and see a coffee cup upside down on the floor, just be my hero and put the spider outside please.
I’m starting yoga today and If my body isn’t perfect by noon, I’m quitting.
Someone just got sent home for having a meltdown. I’ve never been so jealous of a coworker in my life.
*wakes up early on weekend
*makes 12 pancakes
*wakes kids up“Daddy, can we have waffles today???”
*eats 12 pancakes
Marriage is pretty great except for the part where you have to learn how to read minds.
When my husband annoys me I like to say, “The doctor said I need to lose 10 pounds. What do you think?”
Who does Amazon think I am?
Me: I picked out a pricy rock I think you’ll like
Her: You mean you’re finally going to propose to me?
M: I was talking about your headstone
CASHIER: its declined
ME: run it again
C: sir, is this one of those fake credit cards they mail out
ME: no
C: your name is “local resident”?
My wife is out of town so I learned how to do laundry who knew clothes didn’t fold themselves?!?
I hate it when I forget to bring my phone in the car and have to read a shampoo bottle while I drive.