Excuse me lady, either your baby is crying or your tea is ready…regardless, fix that shit.
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I want an HGTV show called “How Do You Like Your Open Concept Now?”
Me: I don’t think I can handle any more stress or challenges in my life.
Universe: Hold my beer.
my son bet me that he could make a piece of paper fly farther than i could so he spent 10 minutes making the fanciest paper airplane i’ve ever seen. the look on his face when i crumpled mine into a ball and launched it across the house was priceless. sucks to be a loser lmao
A normal part of my neuro exam is testing grip strength: I put 2 fingers into a stranger’s fists & ask them to squeeze as hard as they can.
I’ve done this for years. All sorts of people: bodybuilders, athletes, cops, criminals
Recently I did this with a farmer.
ADVICE: DON’T
[firing squad]
Captain: Any last words?
Prisoner: Why, yes. I’d like to speak with you for a moment about gun control.
Chomsky? I’m afraid I don’t Noam
Me: I’m having unusual urges!
Doc: Perhaps we should take you off that medicine.
Me flipping his nose: I’m not taking any medicine you silly goose.
My mom told me not to cry wolf, but it was too late.Wolves were pouring out of my tear ducts, filling the kitchen and adjoining living room.
I’m over here watching #Dateline alone, with all the doors unlocked, lighting up the room.
when certain foods on a menu have (gf) next to them, I know those are girlfriend foods. I cannot order them until I am a girlfriend. I must be patient
Dracula had it right, sleep all day, live alone in a castle & explode into a thousand bats to get out of social situations.
Friend: Man he drinks like a fish.
Me: [crouched in a tiny pirate castle with a 12 pack] I’m freaking the hell out.
When someone asks me if I can do them a “solid”, I always answer with “my pleasure” before heading to the bathroom.
Me: Honey, have you seen my beer?
Wife: Did you check in the shower?
Me: OOOH!!! Good thinking!
*gets period*
“So that’s why I’ve been in a mood for the last 24 days.”
me: I need to buy a train ticket
employee: window or aisle
me: *suddenly nervous* or you’ll what
Once a marine, always a marine. Even if you’re now working at Subway. You’re a submarine.
Dog: I have mange
Baby Jesus: I have manger
Dog: It’s not a competition
Putting some of my hairs on the cat, just to even things out.
cellmate: how did you get here
me: i took the train
cellmate: no i mean what did you do
me: i just told you
You don’t have to write ‘Twitter addict’ in your bio. Your 58675687K tweets give it up by themselves.
bout dat hot dog summer
there were like 2 years when american internet culture was obsessed with bacon and at the time we thought that was as bad as it could get
Owls are the most beautiful birds. Real head turner.
Waved back to a person who wasn’t actually waving to ME, so I turned my wave into jumping jacks to avoid looking stupid.
🤭😂
[pokes your baby with a stick]
what’s it do?
Smooth, elegant, complex and full-bodied. But enough about me, this wine is fantastic.
Finally goes to open-mic night. gets on stage. bombs so badly gets arrested for terrorism. #BucketListFails