Me: ‘I miss you.’
The Point: ‘No shit.’
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If you’re still trying to decide on your plans for Easter weekend, ask yourself “What would Jesus do?” and definitely don’t do that.
A surprise Hunger Games competition for everyone who makes eye contact with me today in the office.
Offered my daughter $30.00 to help me get the house clean for our bbq tomorrow.
She hired her younger brothers for $5 each to do her work.
🤦🏻♀️
Girl, are you an environmentalist?
‘Cuz everytime you walk into a room you turn it into a heavily wooded area.
I wish I were better at subtweets cause I have some really passive aggressive things I’ld like to say to a couple of you
[alarm clock buzzing]
BIRD: [groaning] ah man it’s too early
GOTH WORM: *bangs on window* Wake up you lazy sack of shit and eat my flesh
Relationship Status:
Got put in the friend zone by a succubus playing around on a Ouija board.
I can’t even get lucky in the spirit world.
Me: I have the body of a pro wrestler.
Her: OMG I love The Rock.
Me: Oh, totes, but what are your feelings on sumo?
If the earth were flat, cats would have pushed everything over the edge already
superman landing like a plane on his belly
me: [trying to be cool af at the bar] gimme a beer
bartender: what kind
me: the…the drinking kind
a big congratulations to all the big baseball men for not closing their eyes when the ball was coming towards them, good job men
“Screw you, my face doesn’t look like that at all” – an actual duck.
I hate when people tell plus size girls they can’t “pull something off” like honey I’m trying to buy white jeans not steal the Declaration of Independence
She like, literally died.
~White girls’ headstones
You seem like someone who doesn’t take the plastic off before you make the grilled cheese.
*me, at the bank, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my 12 dollars lives
Do girls imagine themselves sucking in a invisible spaghetti when they’re about to take a picture?
Him: …and I asked you out because you’re smart and pret-WHY ARE YOU POKING ME WITH A STICK?
Me: To see if you’re real or if I’m just high
friend: have u accepted jesus christ as yr savior so u can be allowed into the kingdom of heaven?
me: who all going?
I like to start my mornings w/ a luxurious deep tissue massage*
*kids climbing all over me until they puncture my spleen & I finally get up
The reason Batman doesn’t cover his whole face is because he needs the police to know he’s white
[zombie apocalypse] *my girlfriend becomes zombie* More like zom-BAE! Haha hang on I have to tweet that. *is eaten right away*
Me teaching Wilderness Survival Class:
“OK EVERYBODY WATCH CAREFULLY AS I DRIVE *AWAY* FROM THE WILDERNESS.”
I love snow
– People who never shovel
Podcasters who eat while recording: why do you hate your audience?
a person who understands others’ feelings but ignores them is an empathole