My daughter made such a cute little doll of me. It even has my real hair. She has it surrounded by some candles, and she’s giving it acupuncture to help the sharp pain in my side go away.
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Bad joke of the day:
What did the finger say to the thumb?
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I’m in glove with you.
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
Nothing prepared me for the part of adulthood where you look like a baby deer learning to walk every time you get out of bed in the morning.
Please pray for my teen who forgot to jump and touch the doorframe before entering a room today
me: ugh i hate subway. worst fast food chain by far
alien I befriended: on my planet there is no word for “hate”
I almost got ran over by joggers. I saved myself by pretending to be a stop light. I got away while they jogged in place.
China: ok. now we start the Great Roof.
Sentences sound better with “motherfucker.”
Before: “You sir, are a vile, despicable person. I am angry.”
After: “Dis motherfucker…”
I found the perfect sign for my ‘horse haters’ club
Dating – Do you want to share my cheesecake?
Married- Touch my cheesecake and I’ll end you.
Say what you like about us Arabs, but at least we don’t go to Africa and start naming lions ‘Ahmad’ and ‘Hassan’.
This is my first Apocalypse, I don’t know what to wear.
Should my wife be taking this long to finish the corn maze she entered on Halloween?
Yes aunty, I do like jello. And, of course, I adore feta . Why did you have to combine them
I’m seriously considering taking up falconry. Someone pisses me off? BAM! Falcon, right in the face.
Last night, a cop pulled me over. “Out of the car!” he said. Then an Indian, fireman and construction worker appeared. We danced until dawn.
*stops by new neighbor*
Welcome, I brought you a cake!
-Wow, thank you! You know, you didn’t have to do that!
Oh, ok.
*walks away with cake*
Me: You want to see me rip a phone book in half?
Kid: What’s a phone book?
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
I’m not religious, but if someone is turning water into wine, let’s take a second look.
As a kid I taught myself to read. My brother stuck a peanut up his nose so he could be an elephant
He’s married with 3 great kids and a home now & I’m alone on a beanbag with Taco Bell on my 23rd episode of Forensic Files in a row so obvi I’m still the one making better choices
Why are books the only thing advertised as “Wherever books are sold.” You can’t sell other stuff by saying “Wherever you get this shit, IDK”
[on phone with mom]
SHE SAID YES!!!!
“congrats, son”
I asked her if she thought I was weird
“Wait what?”
She thinks I’m weird. We broke up
grocery cart: [stuck to several other grocery carts] please. my family. can they come too?
me: no. one only.
Batman-
See, kids?
Even one extremely wealthy white male can make a difference.
Dear water parks, what stops you from building an escalator to the swim slide?
“Nice” – first kangaroo to realise it had a pocket
optimus prime: [doing standup] i just flew in from new york and boy are my arms tires
Maybe mama duck isn’t leading her babies, maybe she’s trying to outrun them.
Him: are you an early bird or a night owl?
Me: I’m more of a tired afternoon duck.